Make a Memory

Last night I had the oddest dream involving my high school football team, marching band, Bon Jovi, Donald Trump, and my mom. I spent the morning attempting to decipher it all. It took a women’s conference speaker and a song to unpack the symbolism for me.

The football team: I wore the jersey and led the procession onto the field for what I imagined to be a fun-loving, gender-blended game between the alums and the current senior class. When we arrived on the sidelines, I realized I forgot the pads and helmets. The individuals who had carried me in on their shoulders pointed out that the players all had what they needed. I looked around and noticed those from my senior year team suited up and ready to play. I realized in that moment that I could wear the jersey, but could not participate.

In the next scene, I arrive first to an impromptu Bon Jovi concert. Acting like the true fan that I am, I got super excited and giddy when I noticed Jon Bon Jovi walking toward me. I reach out to touch him, but he looks straight through me as if I do not exist. Without ever acknowledging me, he speaks to the marching band from my high school. Although I stand in front of the drum line, I am not wearing a uniform and I do not have an instrument. I am not a member of the band. JBJ encourages them and tells them how excited he is to have them join the band for the night’s performance. I realize I am an invisible outsider. The object of my longing and affection stand in front of me and surround me, but no one notices me. I long to belong, but I am a nobody in this moment.

I move to the other side of the stage once I see my mom. She points out Donald Trump on stage. He is there to introduce the band. The band stand behind him and Jon stands next to him. They welcome him, but cannot hide their look of contempt. Trump sees my mom, points to her, calls her by name, and walks off the stage toward her to greet her with a warm embrace. My mom embraces him back and she introduces him to me. He greets me with an affectionate handshake. Both my mom and JBJ are Democrats, and they both welcome Trump, but I notice the difference. The band welcome him out of social obligation because it is the right thing to do as a sign of unity for a fractured nation. My mom welcomes him because, although their politics are vastly different, she still likes the man and can be friends with her political enemy.

There is a ginormous blowup object beside us. JBJ is talking with the workers who invite him to ride on it as they fill it with air. I watch as he lays down and rises along with the balloon. However, the balloon begins to arc and I notice the danger he now faces. He could slide head first off of the balloon – and that is exactly what begins to happen – and as it begins to happen, I grab on tight to Trump and bury my head into his chest. He stands still, allowing my frightened embrace.

JBJ falls and hits his head. At first, he begins to rise and say he’s okay, but then immediately lays back down and admits that maybe he is not okay. Trump walks back to the stage to distract the audience while emergency crews check JBJ out. I realize what I had done and laugh and thank Trump for being so graceful with me. He shrugs and says no problem and I believe him. JBJ is okay and makes his way back to the stage to begin the show.

 . . .

This morning, I watched part of the Desperate for Jesus 2020 conference on YouTube. Katherine Wolf shared her remarkable story of triumph. At one point, she mentioned how it took her five years – not five months or five weeks or five days to overcome her tragedy and write a book and start speaking about finding joy in dark times. It took her five years, and twelve years later, she is still fighting.

Romans 5:3-5 – And  not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

This stopped my racing mind because God spoke this verse to me many years ago – long before my suffering began. At first, I thought, “lucky her – only five years. It’s been almost ten for me and I still feel like I am enduring the suffering.” Then, she continued, “. . . even if it takes ten year (pause) or twenty.”

The fact that I still cannot tolerate a ton of silence and still struggle with concentration reminds me that I have not yet healed from Brad’s death. He is still on my mind constantly. I have moved on. I am back at work and enjoying it. I am laughing again and meaning it. I even managed to get through my summer M.Div class – and come out with a B+. (Considering I hoped for a C, knowing my overachiever status could not pull out an A in my current condition, and considering this professor is supposedly a tough grader, I was ecstatic with the outcome.)

Other good has come out of Brad's death as well:

I had a semi-secret crush for several years on a guy I worked with. I hated it and was thankful nothing could come of it because I knew that if he returned my feelings, I would make a terrible mess of his life and mine. I was in no position to date and love again. At the time, I thought it was because I was still so focused on me and my own growth and healing. I realize now that I was still tied to Brad. Even though we had been divorced for a long time and even though I had not talked to him in two years, there was still something connecting me to him. As long as this connection remained, there was no way I could be free to truly love anyone else.

Well, after Brad’s death, I felt that connection, whatever it was, untangle and disentigrate. I feel free and healthy and whole.

Not only do I feel free and healthy and whole from that unhealthy connection I had with Brad, I also feel free from my secret crush. I no longer have that emotional attachment to him.

I have been released twice.

When I first realized this release, I thought that my crush was not so much for the man as it was the fact that he was the polar opposite of Brad. Then, I realized he and Brad were not so very different. I am attracted to passionate men and both men were/are passionate – just about different things. Both men have baggage and they both clung desperately to something to help them cope – but one chose alcohol and the other chose work and faith.

I honestly do not know why losing Brad would cause me to stop having romantic feelings for this other man – except maybe that I no longer feel a need to be validated by him or anyone.

I have a quote from John Cougar Mellencamp posted in my office – the secret to his success – go where they’re not. I fell in love with the quote the moment I heard it. I knew it was significant for me, but I did not – and still do not – know why or how. Go where? Who are “they”?

Before Brad died, I often got this feeling of wanderlust – a need to run away. After Brad died, I still feel wanderlust, but now it is a desire to run to something rather than run away from something. Unfortunately, I have no idea what I want to run to.

. . .

Again, unable to stand much silence, I listened to my Bon Jovi Spotify channel as I got ready for work this morning. (You Want To) Make a Memory begins to play. I sit on Bailey’s bed-steps and listen. The song reminds me of Brad. After our divorce and before he got remarried, I used to imagine that was us 5, 10, 15 years down the road, running into one another again, both of us having done the hard work to heal and improve ourselves, realizing we still love each other, and reconnecting better and stronger than ever. “No hope for that now, is there, Brad?” I think to myself.

Then, I reflect on the video. In the video, it appears that JBJ is a ghost. “Well, maybe it’s not so far fetched, huh, Brad?” I muse.

I miss Brad – who he was and not who he became. I miss us –  who we were and not who we had become. I miss the early us, the young kids so in love – us against the world. I miss what we could have been. I miss the "could've, would've, should'ves" (line from one of Brad's songs).

I do not begrudge any of it. In the end, I know he loved Michelle and I know Michelle loved him. I am thankful for that. Still, I miss him, too. I suppose that maybe the reason I fell out of love with my crush is because I realize that I am still in love with who Brad and I once were.

. . .

Back to the dream and what it all has to do with Brad and crushes and disabled speakers and wanderlust.

I suppose Brad and the crush are both JBJ. The crush never did see me the way I once hoped he would and Brad never will again – but he did once.

The football team and band – my longing to belong, but knowing, at least for now, I am on the outside. I am in the dark place. I have work still to do in here. The good news is that I do see the light and I know that no matter how lonely I may feel, I am never alone. Jesus has never left my side and he did not make a mistake with me. I am beautifully and wonderfully made and I am right where I need to be for now. I may not have any idea where to go or who “they” are yet, but I have no doubt that even if I never figure it out, I will still get there. God will see to that.

The Trump thing – has nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with the heart – and who I want to be. I want to be authentic. I want to do the right thing because of who I am and because of who lives in me. I do not want to do the right thing because it is the right thing in order to present a certain image or message. I want my life and the way I live it to speak for me.

So, here’s to Brad, for having loved me well once and reminding me that “there is something about Renee” (another line from another Brad song) whether I see or feel it right now or not.

Here’s to being in the season of suffering, trusting that “suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint [me], because God’s love has been poured into [my] hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to [me].”

Here’s to memories and to one day “going where they are not.”

Here’s to the journey . . .

Click HERE to watch Bon Jovi's (You Want To) Make a Memory video.