What If Jesus Had Taken That Step?

It never occurred to me until after watching a message by Louie Giglio about mental health that when we say Jesus was fully human and can fully identify with our humanness, this means EVERYTHING – every aspect of our humanness – and brokenness – our hurt and pain and suffering – even SUICIDE.

What? Really? How?

Imagine Jesus, after 40 days without eating or drinking – in the desert – Satan tempts Him to throw Himself off the side of a cliff. Growing up Christian, hearing these stories all my life, I imagined a great spiritual battle between Satan and God – a literal embodied Satan and a literal embodied God in Jesus. Of course God is going to win. Duh!!!

What if we flip the script? What if, instead of this great superhero scene playing out in my imagination, I see Jesus as fully human, hungry and desperate - just like me - longing for escape? I know what I am like when I am hungry and tired after just a few hours without sleep and not even having skipped a meal. How would I feel if I had been stuck – alone – in the desert for 40 days without food or water? How helpless and hopeless would I feel?

What if Satan was not a literal embodied figure standing next to Jesus? What if Satan came to Jesus the way he comes to all of us? In our thoughts? Preying on the weakest parts of ourselves?

That image of Jesus fighting Satan in this way changes how I see things. As He stood on the edge of the cliff, thinking about how terrible He felt in the moment, knowing that life was just going to get harder for Him – being persecuted, hated, suffering on the cross to die for our sins, and the world ever after acting ungrateful for His sacrifice? How tempted was Jesus – the fully human man – to take that fateful step off the ledge?

But He didn’t. (reference Matthew 4:1-11)

But what would have happened to us if He had? 

One of Louie’s many points is that the lie Satan tells us – that people are better off without us – is, indeed, a terrible lie. There are damaging cyclical effects. Imagine our suffering and fate had Jesus stepped off that ledge and the angels did not come to His aid as Satan said they would.

In our head, we may be able to rationalize the truth – that the person who committed suicide was not leaving us, did not choose death over us, but our hearts will never be able to understand. Our hearts will feel guilty, hurt, angry, lost, confused.

Louie reminded us that while Jesus hung on the cross to die for us, one of His closest friends was taking his own life (Judas). Let that truth sink in. (Matthew 27:1-7)

We are doing a great injustice to our world if we refuse to talk about these issues. When we keep silent, the lie grows stronger and gains control. When we remain silent, the lie that we are alone and that no one could possibly understand makes our silence even more damaging.

Louie’s point – it’s okay to not be okay (most of us are not okay), but Jesus IS. Believing in Jesus, loving Jesus, putting all our hope in Jesus is not going to make us feel better right away and make the pain miraculously disappear, but holding onto His promise will keep us alive, keep us going, give us a miracle of a new day. However, we need one another to tell our own stories and to support one another.

This has never been more true in our lifetime than it is right now.

Last week, a man drove into the parking lot of the hospital where I work and took his own life. He was not affiliated with the hospital, but this is where he chose to come – I imagine because he knew he would quickly be found.

Although no one here knew him, I can tell you that it has still had a tremendous negative impact on the staff who were here.

It reminded me of the first suicide that took place at Belmont – the incident which made me realize that law enforcement was not my calling and that I no longer belonged at Belmont. My co-chief, a former police officer, and I worked so well together. He took control of the logistics, freeing me to see to the spiritual and emotional needs of my officers.

Although never confirmed, I believe the student chose the campus 1) to protect his family and friends from finding him and 2) because he knew he would quickly be found. This incident still haunts me all these years later and I never even knew the kid.

A friend of mine asked how this could happen, how no one saw the signs. The friend who asked this question had once been suicidal with a plan. She told me her plan not long before COVID quarantine began. Even though she was past that incident, COVID isolation worried me. I worry I will miss the signs even though I check on her often. She assures me that I need not worry unless she stops sharing with me.

Still, having once been suicidal myself, I know all too well that those of us with severe depression are masters at manipulation. We keep our thoughts to ourselves and paint on a happy face for our public appearances. Had I succeeded in taking my own life back then, I am willing to bet that a ton of people would have been shocked.

I am not suicidal now, but that is only because I have been in therapy most of my life. I know the importance of confronting it – taking prescription medication, talking regularly with my therapist, being honest about my needs with family, friends, and co-workers, self-care, and lots and lots and lots of prayer.

When I was a kid, I was certain no one was going through what I was going through. I felt hopeless and helpless. Still, I knew Jesus. He saved my life more than once.

I did cut myself, though. The thing about cutting is that it (however temporarily) morphs the emotional pain into physical pain – and physical pain I could identify, understand, and treat. I no longer cut myself for the same reasons I no longer think of suicide, reasons listed above.

Now, as an adult, I still struggle with anxiety and depression. However, because I have learned coping skills, I no longer feel hopeless or helpless or alone.

I remember the last time I had a suicidal thought. I was newly married. We were living in family housing on campus at Belmont. All seemed right with life, but something was still wrong and I could not pinpoint it. I took a bath, and when I dipped my head down into the water, I had this urge to stay there and drown. I wanted to die.

This scared me because it had been so long since I had a suicidal thought. I got out of the tub and told Brad. We sat on the floor of the living room and I cried in his arms. He comforted me and also scolded me. He was angry at the selfishness of my would-be suicide. How could I do something like that to him? Leave him to be the one to find my body, to ask the questions, to leave him alone?

Brad reminded me of how selfish and destructive suicide can be. I felt shamed, but safe. I may have found it hard to live for me, but I had a new purpose – living for the man I vowed to love.

I still sometimes think life would have been so much easier if I had died - how often I prayed for death while going through cancer - still thinking people who die are the lucky ones, but this is a far cry from being and feeling suicidal. There is a difference and only those who have lived it can truly understand. Now, I wonder why God kept me here and realize I may never know the answer, but every time I am able to be with a patient or family in their most dire time of need, I am thankful that God chose me to be the one to comfort them. 

So, this is my story. Are you brave enough to share yours? If you have never been where I have been, are you strong enough to admit it and still walk along someone who has?

Read more of my story HERE..

Watch the Louie Giglio message HERE.

If you need to talk with someone, call the hotline. If you want to talk to me, do it. Day or night. If I don't answer the first time (I rarely answer numbers I do not recognize), don't take this as a morbid sign. Call again. Leave a message. I WILL respond. (If it's the middle of the night, keep calling until I answer. I am partially deaf and will not hear the phone ring if I'm laying on my good ear.)

210-859-1824