Indescribable

Let know one tell you to snap out of it. Depression is not something a person chooses. It is not a condition that can be remedied like washing the stench of sweat away after an intense workout. I know. I have dealt with depression my entire life. However, it has been a long, long time since it has lingered this long. Throughout my adult life, I developed skills to cope, and managed to muddle through after a rough day here and there. To experience this state of mental decline for almost two weeks now is unusual, and is, quite frankly, getting on my nerves.

I ask myself why? I know why I am depressed. This bout started on the afternoon of Sunday August 12 after I read that email from the book agent, declining my work with no explanation. It got a bit worse the next day after learning I did not get the job I had applied for the week prior. But, why is it lingering?

I have received rejections from agents before – several dozen – all except one or two are form letters. Rejection is nothing new. In the past, I even prided myself on being among the greats. Dostoyevsky, my literary hero, was a literary joke in his day. He was not taken seriously, and even spent time in debtor’s prison in Siberia. (Anyone who knows me and knows my secret desire to go back to Russia, and specifically to Siberia, this is why.) Today’s market is even harder, in some ways, to break into as a legitimate writer. With the explosion of the internet, and people able to publish at a whim on their own, it is even more difficult to be taken seriously as a writer.

I even tried to cheer myself up last night by watching the movie Genius about Thomas Wolfe (1900-1938 – not the white-suited Tom Wolfe of The Right Stuff fame who recently died.) He was a literary genius, but every publisher in town turned him down before Perkins took a chance on him.  

So, I’m in great company. This used to be enough to encourage me out of my depressive state. Why did these thoughts and efforts not work this time?

The job – money situation. I have applied for close to 50 jobs – some I am over qualified for, some I am under qualified for, some that would be perfect based on my skills and abilities. Of those 50 something applications, only one call for an interview, and zero job offers.

I have been here, too. Something always comes up, and this is no different. I have been fortunate enough to pick up a little extra work here and there, so bills are getting paid. So, why is this weighing so much heavier on me now?

Maybe it’s the therapy. If that is the case, then maybe the lingering depression is a good thing. My counselor once told me that I have a disconnect between my head and my heart. She said that when I talk about things, it’s as if I am telling her a story of something that happened to someone else.

She is absolutely correct. That was always one of my best coping mechanisms. My problems became the problems of one of the characters in my story. I disconnected from the pain of my own experiences.

However, the whole reason I am seeking counseling is because I want to do things differently. I want to do the hard work to change. I promised myself as much after my divorce, but I was not getting very far on my own. I needed help.

So, I set out to figure out how to let my heart have its say – instead of my head telling my heart what to feel, and my heart readily acquiescing. I have been working very hard on this – giving my heart space to feel and think for itself. I tell you, it’s not easy, but as my counselor reminds me, I am human, not a machine. If I want to be an effective minister, I have to be able to do what I suggest others do. Lead by example, as they say.

Given that I am trying to give my heart independent space, is this depression a result? Would the other rejections have been hard had I allowed my heart to mourn?

Is it because during those other times, I really wasn’t ready and I thought I was this time? That is true as I look back on things. The writing – I struggled with writing as myself or using a fake name. I wanted to separate the two lives. The writing is so personal. I knew I could not handle the rejection. The rejection of the work, I felt, would be a rejection of me. There was no way I was stable enough emotionally to be a true, legitimate writer, when so many critics are out there, ready to tear the writing and the writer to pieces.

Now, I feel strong enough, certain of who I am as a child of God and a writer. I have admitted to myself and others that my writing comes from a very personal place. I am ready to own that and accept that. Maybe that is why rejection hurts so much worse. I believe I am finally ready for whatever is waiting on the other side of publication.

Work – after leaving Belmont, I was worn out – the hours, the responsibility. The job, at the end, aged me. I needed time and space from that level or responsibility and demand.  I was fine with just getting by. Now, I am ready to do and be more – have a place where I feel like I belong and am contributing – like I did at Belmont. I am ready to do more than just get by – pay off debts, save, be able to pitch in around the house. I’m ready to be a grown up again financially, but it’s not happening. Maybe that’s why the rejection hurts more this time.

The depression has gotten to the point where all I want to do is sleep. I wake up tired. I look forward to going back to bed. The only thing on my to-do list getting done is the have-tos. The want -tos and need-tos are getting pushed back day after day. Even my prayers are suffering. I cannot focus. I cannot even journal. Even my standby prayers “Just say Jesus”, “help”, “I believe, help my unbelief” are dry and stale and rote. That’s the problem – I can’t even simply go through the motions. If it weren’t for Bailey standing on my chest, constantly pawing at me until I finally give in and get out of bed, I would probably spend all day in bed. That’s how bad it has gotten.

Each morning, I try again. My devotional did not work. Reading the Bible did not work. I tried journaling, trying to get at the root of the problem so that we could fix it. Even that was not working. I was about to give up and get lost in a book. Then, a still small voice.

Get up. Make your shake. Go watch one of the Louie Giglio videos your friend lent you. I obeyed.

Indescribable – Louie described how vast the universe is – showing pictures from NASA. I was an astronomy geek as a kid. Wanted to be an astronomer at one point before I saw Top Gun and changed my desired career path to flying in the military.

Louie said, “I am not trying to make you feel small. I’m telling you you are small.”

The tears finally came. The release. Even before he said, it, I felt it – seeing those images, realizing how insignificant I really am. None of it matters. All these things, these accomplishments I think will make me something. None of it means anything. And this realization felt wonderful. It was a release from the pressure of having to carry the world on my shoulders. I am not even a grain of dust in the universe.

Still, as insignificant as I am, God loves me – ME – this blob of nothing, taking up this itty-bitty space for a fleeting second of time. He LOVES ME! I matter because He LOVES ME!

Nothing matters – yet everything matters. I thought how that translates into my life. What matters about my life if nothing matters? “email” that one word popped into my head.

I am an online missionary for Global Media Outreach. It is the coolest thing in the world. I don’t get paid for it, but on good days, this is my favorite part of the day – using my gift for words and writing, my love for Jesus, to communicate to people all over the world.

In my deepest depression, I lost all care or concern for this – not even able to go through the motions. What’s the point? This morning, he told me the point. HE is the point.

There are people all over the world who don’t know His indescribable love. Love. His love. That’s the point. That is the only point that matters.

Please, if you have ever felt the worthlessness of depression. If you cannot see your purpose. If you doubt His love, watch this:

https://youtu.be/AEh56ROJx48