(Do Not) Run With It

In my office, just above my desk, I have a picture of Mike Holmes and Jon Bon Jovi. They are symbols of encouragement for me.

Jon Bon Jovi because of his immense talent and heart. He never sold out. He spent his early career fighting to get people to focus on the music and not on his good looks. His music came from the heart. It has a message. As he says, Bon Jovi was not a flash in the pan. They were not sell-outs. He once said the industry did not know what to do with them. They did not quite fit in with the hair metal popular at the time, but they were not pop stars either. They were a unique entity, true to their own identity. I keep his picture up to remind me that it is okay, and even wonderful, to be different, if there is no place where I fit in – with my writing. Looking at his photo gives me hope. There was not a neat little box to place Bon Jovi. Still, they were huge. Metal fans and pop fans alike loved them – and still do. While the “it” bands of the 80s are long gone or on tour only playing fan favorites from the 80s, Bon Jovi is still a band, still relevant, still making new music, and touring to sold out arenas all over the world. Different is good. Stay true to who you are as a writer, Renee, and never sell out. One day . . .

Mike Holmes because I love his attitude of doing things right the first time. He talks a lot about the importance of the things you cannot see – the things behind the wall, the foundation, things that are going to make a house sustainable. He often reminds viewers that everything else is just lipstick and mascara. Great reminders for me as a writer and as a Christian.

Taped to the bottom right corner of my poster of Mike Holmes is an index card with a quote from John Mellencamp. When he was up and coming, fighting to make a name for himself, someone told him to “go where they’re not.” This struck me the first time I heard it. I’m still not sure why – or why it was important enough for me to write it out and display it for me to see. It means something – I’m just not sure what.

During my prayer journaling this morning, I looked up, and was once again struck by this quote. There is still something profound for me hidden in these words, but what? Ministry? That new ministry idea a friend planted in my head? My new part-time gig as an Uber/Lyft driver? My writing idea? None of it? All of it?

I trust God will tell me more when it’s time. For now, as I look at the pictures of Mike and Jon and contemplate what all of it represents for me – to go where they are not – for me, is to be okay with being different – being a square peg in a round-holed-world.

The agent who most recently turned down my work said at the conference that the publishing industry is a very uncreative creative industry – meaning that they rarely take chances on different. I get that now. Does that mean I am going to quit trying? No – I am simply going to keep working on my writing as I leave it at the feet of Jesus to tell me what to do next.

Yesterday, I met with my counselor. I told her about a vivid dream I had. I often have detailed dreams, but this one felt real – so real that when my dog woke me up, I was confused for a moment, as if transported from somewhere else, because I thought I was already awake.

In my dream, I was the “Uber” driver for my pastor, worship leader, and youth pastor. We were driving around the church after our first service. Our church had grown so fast, and we are a small building, so we had to have multiple services. The first service of the morning, the one we had just concluded, was also our first locally televised service. We were all a little pumped up and needed a breather before the next service.

As we were driving around, I told them about Belmont’s Debate08, and everything I got to do with that – being the secret service’s guide for a year prior, getting to be part of the planning team, being the Belmont rep in the security room during the event and not realizing what a big deal this was until some time later when my dad’s cousin, who retired from the secret service told me what a big deal this was, and the last week of the event, working almost 24/7 with sore feet that by the end, I was literally crawling out of bed, and ended up having surgery on both feet afterward.

Then, I looked at the pastor in the rearview mirror and thanked him. I told him that as much as I loved and missed Belmont, by the time I left, I was so burned out. I was on-call 24/7, never having a full day off, not even when I was on vacation. I was so burned out that it took me a few years to get over the burnout.

I realized that the burnout was a lot of my own doing. I would go to my boss with all these ideas I had and he would often say, “sounds great. Run with it.” And I did. I loved it. Because of my boss’ support, I created a thriving crime prevention program – something that meant something to so many – something that people away from campus – other schools, shelters, churches, and even the police department – were asking us to bring to their population. And I did – gladly. I was proud of these accomplishments. However, it meant working more hours – evenings and weekends – on top of the piling work required as part of my new role as assistant chief. When I became AC, I refused to let go of my crime prevention duties and I didn’t trust anyone else to take them over. So, I was basically doing two jobs – and daily putting out fires. All that on top of divorce and cancer. Too much.

Anyway, I told the pastor thank you because he saw right away that I am an ideas person, and he reigned me in. He has told me two things: 1) just because you have a good idea does not mean you need to be the one to do it and 2) if you have an idea that you really want to do, sit on it for a while. Pray about it. If you still feel led to do it, then let’s talk.

I have to say, at first, I took this personally – as an insult of sorts – as if he did not believe in me. It even hurt my feelings the first time someone started doing something that was my idea. Now, I wanted to thank him for reigning me in so that I would not burn out again.

My counselor helped me see this dream in a new way. I thought it was simply an “aha” moment. Ever since John McCain’s death, I have been reminiscing a lot about Belmont. Then, I told myself to remember why I left – the burnout. It took this dream to help me realize why I had burned out.

My counselor reminded me that I have been having a lot of dreams about Belmont lately – nostalgia, but something or someone else telling me that I cannot stay there – I cannot go back.

Belmont represents what I miss about the past – financial security, the sense of belonging, the relationships I had with Terry and Mike. I want that. Being surrounded by my church family in such close quarters in the car, having their attention, thanking the pastor – this is where God has placed me now and it’s good.

My counselor made a few wonderful points:

My pastor did his job well – he’s shepherding me, keeping me reigned in and focused.

I told my counselor all about how the rejection by the agent sent me into a bad depression, and how the Louie Giglio videos got me out. She equated all of this with the dream. I was depressed and felt rejected, but got out of the depression when I remembered who and whose I was/am.

Belmont is the rejection by the editor – all the hopes and dreams I had now gone. God is my good shepherd (time out – if anyone from my church is reading this, please don’t read too much into this next part. I do not have a God complex for PM!!! 😉 ) My good shepherd knows what he has to do may hurt me, but he has to do it for my well-being. Like the eye in the sky I told her about from the Indescribable video, He sees everything whereas our vision is limited to the tiny space around us. That agent was not a good fit for whatever reason, and He had to prevent me from “going with it”. 

So, where do I go and where are they not? I have no clue what that means for me yet, but I am thankful that God is not allowing me to just run with it and burn out before I get there. 

Dreams, counselors, posters, quotes – how God works in our lives – He never fails to amaze me. He is so good. He is a Good, Good Father - and I am loved by Him. Wow!