For the past few days, I have had a dizzy headache. When it
first occurred, my instant trepidation brought to mind worst case scenarios – I
had a silent stroke. There is a blood clot in my brain. I have a massive tumor
pressing upon the part of my brain which affects balance and vision.
I foresaw how this dizziness would disrupt my life – If it
is a blood clot, I will die soon if I do not get immediate help. If a tumor or stroke, I
could live a long time yet, but life as I know it will forever change. I could
even end up paralyzed or with permanent brain damage. At the very least, what will I do about my
classes this week? If I cannot teach, I cannot make money. If I cannot make
money, my bills will not get paid. I am already living on credit and the credit
is just about maxed out!
What about my upcoming vacation? This unique opportunity
will be as close as I will ever get to seeing how the rich live. Is God telling
me I should not indulge in this fancy trip that I would never be able to afford
on my own? Will it somehow ruin me to be pampered for a week?
When God miraculously allowed me to feel better long enough
to get through my work, I began to remember what a worrier I am and why I am on
anti-anxiety medication.
Take a step back. What are some more realistic reasons why I
started getting sick?
First, I poisoned my body the day before I started feeling
bad. Running around under the hot summer Texas sun all day, I had nothing to
drink except my flavored water and a couple Dr. Peppers. I have been doing
reasonably well not drinking the sodas, but my dad was back in town, I was
happy, and we went out to eat. I made a bad beverage choice. I knew better.
The next day, I spent more time out under the sun helping a
friend. I teach CPR and first aid for a living. I know the signs of heat
exhaustion. I know if my body loses more water than it takes in, one of the
signs is dizziness. Still, it took my anxious mind several days to think this
rationally.
I felt worst in the morning. Again, I know that I cannot
consume water while I sleep. Therefore, if experiencing heat exhaustion, I
would feel worst in the morning before I have a chance to refuel.
The anxiety subsided and I began to feel better as my body
began to re-balance. Then, for two nights in a row, no matter how exhausted my
body felt, my brain refused to shut down.
Even when I did sleep, it was not a restful sleep.
After two nights of this, the dizzy headaches and
trepidation returned. People who go too long without sleep start acting out in
odd ways, and lack of sleep can be a symptom/sign of bipolar disorder. Am I becoming
bipolar?
While these thoughts whirled through my turbulent head, I
read the final chapter of Isaiah.
“This is what the Lord says:
‘Heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
Where is the house you will build for me?
Where will my resting place be?
Has not my hand made all these things,
and so they came into being?’
declares the Lord.” Isaiah 66:1-2
And just like that, I realized heat exhaustion was only one
cause of my recent sickness. Anxiety itself caused the lack of sleep. What do I
have to be anxious about? I’m getting ready to spend a week in a mansion close
to the ocean with our own chef and driver. How cool is that?
Yet, I am busy trying to get some things done before I go. I
am a little paranoid about the “what-ifs” of going to Mexico. I have heard
plenty of really scary stories. Then again, all I have to do is turn on the
news to see how bad things can be in my own home city, state, and country.
I will be leaving my baby girl for a week. This causes me
all kinds of stress. Will she be okay? Will I be okay? I love her more than
anything in the world. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been away from her
for this long.
Then, there’s everything I have to do when I get back. I’ll
be starting school again. Really? Am I up for this? My decision to go into
ministry may not have been a shock to anyone except me, but then again, nobody
knows me quite like I do. My prayer life isn’t what I wished it was. I still
need to grow in my own faith. Can I do this?
Then, there’s work. I NEED to find another job when I get
back. I want something part-time, flexible that I will enjoy and that will
allow me to continue teaching, go to school, and be as involved with my church
as I am. Honestly, if I could ever sell my manuscripts, make a living as a
writer, and get even more involved with my church and turn all these ideas I
have into realities, I would be one happy girl! But, alas, at least for now,
that will not be the case. Will I have to give up my time at WAC or other
things I cherish in order to pay the bills?
Something very unfortunate recently happened to someone I
care about. What this friend is going through dredged up all kinds of things
from my own past. I have found myself reanalyzing the last few years of my life
– what they made me feel at the time, how I have gotten through it, what I have
learned, and things that still haunt me, things I wonder if I will ever overcome.
I find myself discussing all these issues with a non-existent counselor or
non-existent potential future spouse. Maybe it is time to talk to a real
counselor?
Anyway, what does all this have to do with the verse I read
this morning?
All of a sudden, it was as if God were shaking His head at
me, asking,
“Renee, what are you doing? Why are you putting yourself through
all this pointless anxiety? Haven’t you learned by now that you can trust Me?
Have I ever let you down before? Why are you worried about money? Haven’t I
managed to give you what you need when you need it?
“Why are you stressing out about school? Remember how you used
to wish you could get paid be a student forever? You love to learn. And as far
as going into ministry, I called you. Trust Me. I know what I’m doing.
“Renee, I know you want to be a writer. After all, who gave
you your gift? But, nothing is ever going to happen if you don’t put as much
energy into your writing as you give to your anxious thoughts.
“And, will you please let go of the past? You have moved so
far beyond divorce and cancer. They no longer define you. You are still torn
between thinking it would be nice to get married again someday to dreading that
someone may actually fall in love with you again. I know you are afraid. I know
you want to protect your heart so that you will never have to face getting
hurt, or worse, not being able to be what you think a future husband would want
or need. I made you. You are worthy. If it ever happens again, I will lead you
to the right man, and he will love you because He will first love me.
“Now, get out of your own head. Return your focus onto Me.
Don’t worry about Bailey. She will be just fine. You will be just fine. Enjoy
your trip. Relax. Enjoy your family. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”
I saw how drinking sodas on a hot day and how giving into anxiety
was desecrating my body, this temple of God, just as those selling in the
temple of Jerusalem desecrated the house of prayer. I had made my temple of den
of robbers, allowing Satan to distract me from the Truth. God reminded me that
I am His house of prayer. He spoke to me and restored me all in the blink of an eye.
God’s throne is heaven and the earth is His footstool. No
house can contain Him. Yet, He loves me so much that He made His dwelling inside
of me. How lucky am I? How lucky are all who call upon the name of the Lord?
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