I admit, I have felt this way
most of my life. Even when things go right, I feel like there’s something more.
I try for something more only to have the door shut in my face. “But I’m doing
this for you, God,” I think. Doesn’t that count for something?
It’s hard not to get discouraged.
It’s hard not to wonder if God really meant more for me or if I am doomed to
live in this cycle of failure. Or, is this really failure? Is there a purpose I
cannot see? Is He preparing me for something greater even now?
I look at friends and family and
sometimes become envious. They seem to have it all together. Great families.
Certain carriers. Steady income. Stability. Confidence. Assurance. How nice it
would be to have what they have.
Is it too late for me? After all,
I’m now 40 years old. When I was young, I never wanted the traditional things
of life, but I also never thought I’d live to see forty. Now, I’ve beaten cancer
and took a leap of faith when I left a secure job to move back home and start
over. I must admit, I thought it would be an easy transition, but it has been
anything but.
Still, I never lost confidence
that God had more for me. There was something waiting for me. I just didn’t know
what. I was certain God would tell me when the time was right. In the meantime,
I kept trying things and kept failing.
Then, I felt His call on my life
to become a full-time minister. Once I got over the initial shock and fear and
started telling people, something inside me changed.
All my life, I was somewhat
jealous of my sister. When we were young, she was the one all the boys liked. She
had all the friends. She was sure and confident about who she was. Things
seemed to come easy for her. As an adult, she has an amazing husband and two
wonderful boys. Her life still seems so easy and perfect. I didn’t necessarily
want what she had, but I wanted the ease and comfort she seemed to have.
I grew up Catholic. From a very
early age, the Church and I have been battling. I was bitter and angry with
them for some things they did to me either directly or indirectly. Whenever I
had to attend a Catholic service for whatever reason, I had a lump in my
throat, my stomach churned, my fingers curled into fists, and my jaw clenched. I
despised “them.” I tried to forgive them, but I couldn’t.
After I accepted God’s call on my
life, my jealousy and anger disappeared. I was able to spend time with my
sister and truly enjoy every bit of it without once feeling inferior. I
attended a Catholic service with my family and felt calm and relaxed. I could
see Christ there as well. It was a strange and glorious feeling to be
comfortable in my own skin for the very first time in my life.
Still, as I try to imagine what
work of ministry God may call me to, I wonder if I will be too old to start
over yet again once I complete the ordination process in a few years. Can God
still use me?
Yesterday, I read a children’s
missionary book called A Storybook
Ending based on real life events. A 13 year old boy was given a last minute
seat on a mission trip after another, older boy, broke his leg. A 17 year old
boy was not happy about this kid coming, and thought he was worthless, too young
and immature to be of any real help.
To make a long story short, he
finally found a place to fit in while on the mission trip. Once he got home, an
adult whom the kid spoke with briefly called him and asked for his help. A
grown-up asked a Canadian kid to help African children!
This seemingly worthless, too
young to be useful kid, ended up completely developing and filling 35 libraries
for school children in Swaziland, all before he was able to drive!
So, what did I, a 40 year old
woman, gain from this book? No matter how others see us or how we see
ourselves, we are never too young or too old to be used by and useful to God.
When He calls us, all we have to
do is answer. “Here I am, Lord.” He will do the rest.
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