Myriad of Emotions in Paradise

It is the end of our first full day in Manzanillo. The rest of the family still swims and laughs and drinks. I, having only water and soda to drink today, feel the loss of energy as the sun fades in the sky. I cannot keep pace with their revelry.

After a quick shower, I intend to lay in bed reading a book by Wally Lamb which I found in the office last night, a book that, the moment I saw it, I heard a message from God, His way of letting me know everything is and will be okay. (This in itself is a long story, something I do not wish to get into right now.)

Instead, this quiet, secluded space has given my thoughts time to gel as I reflect back upon this day; a myriad of emotions – energized, peaceful, thankful, lonely and surprised.

I am energized.

I must admit. I had reservations about coming to Mexico. Even though I saw the website and heard what to expect, I still had in my mind flashbacks of an old episode of Dateline in which a wealthy man was kidnapped by the drug cartel. I even know someone whose wife was supposedly kidnapped and held for ransom.

We are by no means rich, but we all have two strikes against us.

1)      We are American. Rich by Mexican standards.

2)      We are staying in a very wealthy part of town. Our driver drove us around this morning and showed us a house that the government confiscated from a drug lord. That made me laugh, given my initial trepidation about this trip.

Possible targets for wanna-be kidnappers. However, as soon as we got here, all the anxiety and stress disappeared. The view as the plane descended was enough to make my headache and anxiety vanish. When we got to the house, we all became extremely excited.

I felt like a rock star – minus the wild living. A driver picked us up from the airport. As soon as we pulled up to the house, the door opened and the staff met us with warm towels and margaritas (which I declined). We were given a tour of the grounds before sitting down to a warm meal, after which, the house manager asked what we wanted for breakfast and what else we wanted stocked in the house.

Today, we were fed three amazing meals, and our driver not only took us shopping, but showed us where to go and pointed out great things about the city’s history and culture. While we were out, our housekeeper cleaned our rooms and did our laundry.

The house manager told us we are some of the best guests they have had. We are not demanding and are friendly and treat them with respect. This is like a fairy-tale life for all of us. Most of us are those people in our real lives. I guess that’s what makes it so easy to be nice to them.

Then again, I can see how it would be easy to get caught up in all of this. I, for one, would be afraid to live like the all the time. I don’t think I would like the person it would turn me into – demanding, expectant, disrespectful.

I am at peace.

Because of my boost of energy last night, I had trouble falling asleep, yet I still woke up at my normal time. It was still dark outside so I tried to go back to sleep, but I was too excited to head down to my “prayer palapas,” a hut at the very bottom of the property, a place I claimed as my own prayer spot since I knew no one else cared to venture down that many steps. Going down was the easy part. Coming back up took ambition.

I got up and read my Bible until the sun started to rise. As soon as the faintest hint of light came through my window, I headed for my “prayer palapas.” 

There is a gate that leads to the rocky edge. I opened the gate and sat on a rock ledge. I tried to pray, but I was too overcome by the beauty before me. My prayer was my silent awe. However, I kept imagining me slipping and falling to my death. So, I came back to into the safety of the palapa, and hung my feet over the edge, with the rail protecting me from a fall.

This time, I was able to better concentrate on prayer and God’s creation before me. The magnificent mountains, the boulders below, the sound of the waves crashing against those boulders, and the water rushing back out again.

I remembered how the sound of the ocean relaxes me. I felt so peaceful in His presence.

I am thankful.

I was thankful for God bringing me here even though I had doubts, even though I didn’t want to leave my baby girl, even though I had a thousand things pressing on my mind.

Here, none of that matters right now – the work or lack-there-of, my future, nothing. Right here, right now, that life is on hold. I am reminded of what matters most. My Father. He is here, so real, so alive. I have not felt Him in quite the same way since I went to my beloved monastery in Kentucky. He speaks to me with the sound of the water. He speaks to me by the might of the mountains. He speaks to me in the laughter of my family, their voices carrying as they talk. He speaks to me in the looks and smiles of the house workers. He speaks to me in a culture, and with people different from what I am used to. By leaving the cares of the world behind me, I can hear Him so clearly as He speaks.

For His love and faithfulness, for pulling me out of my self-made turmoil by bringing me here, I am thankful.

I am lonely and surprised.

Feeling lonely came as a complete shock to me. I have been divorced for almost six years. I have been separated for just over six years. In that time, I have never, not once, been lonely in this way. Maybe it is because I am in a sort of paradise. Maybe it is the fact that this is the first family vacation since the divorce that I get to sleep in a bed instead of having to sleep on a couch because I am the only non-married person.

Whatever the reason, for the first time since the divorce, I feel like I am missing out on something. While having my prayer time this morning, I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to have someone there with me, sharing in this prayer time. Maybe we would just sit there in our own silent prayers. Maybe we would pray together. Maybe we would do a little bit of both.

When we went shopping, I thought it would be nice to share that with someone. I tend to wander off when I get bored, and shopping bores me. One shopping area was right on the beach. While the others shopped, I took my socks and shoes off and stood in the water, staring out into the ocean. I thought how nice it would be to have someone there with me, holding my hand and enjoying this moment.

While in the pool, I stood at the edge and stared at the landscape before me. Again, thinking it would be nice to share all this with. Later, while talking to my step-sister and brother-in-law, seeing them together, hearing their story, I thought, “that wouldn’t be so bad.”

It didn’t hit me until later that this kind of thinking is new for me. For the past 5+ years, I have wanted absolutely nothing to do with relationships ever again. I was adamant that I would never get married ever again. If God wanted me to ever get into another relationship, He was going to have to smack me on the back of the head and plop me onto the unlucky guy’s lap. I would never, of my own volition, go down that path again. As the saying goes, I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Is this a symptom of my decided stance faltering? At this moment, I am torn between two thoughts:

1)      Why not? What would be so wrong with leaving myself open to the possibility?

2)      I sure hope not! I am sure I will go home, away from this paradise, and things will be back to normal. Reason will once again replace this ridiculous sentimentality.

Whatever happens when I get home, one thing is certain. God has restored my soul. I will be ready to once again face reality and follow His will. In every aspect of my life – money, work, school, ministry, and that dreaded “L” word—I leave it all in His capable hands.