Triangulation

The night before leaving for my trip to Kansas City, I watched the first movie in the Good Witch series, which predates the television show. In this movie, Cassie comes to town and meets Jake. The Cassie from the first movie and the Cassie from the first television show are markedly different.

Jakes’s Cassie comes to town lost, alone, searching for a place to belong. Sam’s Cassie is well established, well loved, and exudes confidence. The differing Cassie’s reflect my differing self – whom I am currently, and whom I am working toward becoming. 

During breakfast with a friend earlier in the day, I was sharing with her some of the topics of my class project. This conversation led to one reason why I still refuse to date. I consider myself undatable because I am not yet self-sufficient. I still rely too heavily on others – namely, my mother and father for financial support. I would not date a man in my situation. 

I have often been told that the rules are different for men than they are for women. Well, as far as this goes, the rules remain the same for me. It goes back to something I was told recently while gathering information for my projects. Thinking of a man and a woman on a ladder, there is no equality if one is on one rung and the other is either higher or lower. In my current position, I would be lower. I refuse to be lower. 

I see the Jake-Cassie as what I would be now if I were to get into a relationship now. There’s was a beautiful relationship, and there is a lot to be said for them working and growing together, but at this stage of my life, I would rather have the Sam-Cassie dynamic. Two wholes coming together to make something even greater – without either one losing their identity in the other. 

On my way to Kansas City, I listened to a book called Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D. She takes an in-depth look into Murray Bowen’s family systems theory. This audio book captivated my attention for the next twelve hours. 

Disclaimer – this book is not necessarily looking at romantic relationship and love. It investigates all human interactions.

I learned that I have a high self-differentiation. Basically, this means I should be pretty darn good at the relationship thing because I am pretty darn good at separating thought from emotion. Who knew that being a head thinker was a good thing? I always saw it as a flaw. According to Bowen, this makes me better at relationship because I do not act on emotion. I can separate from situations and logically think them through before reacting.  Granted, this is not the case 100% of the time, but it is quite a good description of me. 

So, if you are in a relationship with me, you are welcome! 😉

Another curious theory is the idea of relational triangulation. According to Bowen, the triangle is the fewest points of any relationship. This means that even in a romantic relationship, there are always at minimum, three elements present. 

This led me to think of the Christian notion of the triangle. A successful marriage has the man and woman on one line and God at the top. The closer the two individually move toward God, the closer they automatically come to one another. 

Examples of dysfunctional triangulation in a marriage would be when a couple avoid intentional interaction with one another by focusing too much on the children – or finances – or work – or even church. 

In thinking about triangulation in my life, I realized I use triangulation in order to avoid uncomfortable interactions. For example, if there is someone I do not know well or someone I am attracted to, I do not like being alone with them. Being alone makes me anxious, not knowing what to do or say, not liking that much focus being on me and not liking that awkward silence. Having a third person present in such circumstances takes the pressure of conversation off me. Or, in the case of when I am attracted to someone, triangulation keeps me from blushing or saying or doing something embarrassing. With a third person present, I can go to my happy place by blending into the background – out of direct line of sight. 

The audio book went on to discuss causes of relational anxiety and offered ways to train ourselves to deescalate anxiety before it happens. In order to do this, we must first recognize anxiety triggers. Then, we must ask ourselves if this is reasonable adult response to the situation which creates the anxiety. If not, we can talk our brains and bodies out of it. There is a whole study on this biofeedback journey. 

I cannot remember all of it, and am eager to re-listen to that chapter, but I do remember that during the entire trip, my shoulders and neck were in pain – my normal anxiety. As I thought about what was causing it, I knew the common triggers – the great unknown – going to a place I’ve never gone before, meeting people I’ve never met before, doing something I’ve never done before – all without my triangulation. 

Was this a reasonable adult response? Of course not. 

Have I been in a similar situation in the past? Often. 

How did it turn out? Just fine. As a matter of fact, it often turned out wonderfully. I am good in school. I knew this project was going to go well. My instructor and classmates would not be strangers for long. We would most likely end the week as friends. 

Is it reasonable to assume this would turn out like the other times? I am sure of it. 

And – it was. Because of this self-realization, I was more intentional in my interactions and it made quite a difference. I realized I have enough to offer without needing the crutch of intentional triangulation. 

I could go on with this idea of triangulation. I saw how it played out in healthy ways in my class – with my classmates, with the women we studied, with our work in class and our church. However, I will digress. 

What does Cassie and triangulation have to do with one another and with me? 

This study may not have had anything to do with relationships, but I can’t help but think about it – especially with the topic of my class – Theology and Witness of the Church Mothers – the relationship and role of women in society both then and today – how a woman then, or even now as I have experienced first-hand, is seen as an anomaly of sorts if they choose to walk away from societal norms by not getting married (or in my case, not dating or getting remarried after divorce).

I am not opposed to ever dating or marrying again. As Cassie has shown me, I have no desire for a Jake-Cassie relationship, but the Sam-Cassie relationship does look wonderfully appealing. 

Jake-Cassie’s triangulation, at least in the first movie, was Jake as savior, rescuer. She was on a lower rung from her hero-protector. I do not want a hero-triangulation. 

Sam-Cassie’s triangulation is mutual love and respect. They were on the same rung, equally yoked, partners. I am attracted to the idea of a partner-triangulation. 

I am not self-sufficient yet. I cannot be anyone’s equal partner yet. I do not care what is normal and acceptable by society’s standards. By my standards, it is not enough – not yet. 

What is interesting is that my reasoning for not wanting to be in relationship has drastically changed. It has gone from hating men to simply wanting to be able to give the best of myself to someone else – to be able to give them what I would expect them to give me. 

Bowen says the healthiest relationships are when two people are both high self-differentiations, when their triangle(s) is intentionally healthy. 

So, until I am ready for a Sam-Cassie connection, here’s to continuing to strive for healthy triangulations for all my other relationships.