Moving Beyond My Upward Trajectory

I only see my therapist once a month now. Sometimes, like yesterday, I don't think I really need to see her, but I keep the appointment because I know it is vital for my self-care. On my way, I thought about what we may discuss. Naturally, since I am still consumed with the wonderful week I had last week - including the visit with my family, learning something new about myself while listening to the book about family systems theory and triangulation, as well as everything I learned and gained from the entire class experience. I feel like a brand new person. So much has changed within me in such a short time - literally from one week to the next. I haven't experienced such a sharp leap in my personal development since 2012 when I had cancer and had to learn to let others love me.

This graph popped into my head - I had been on such a slow upward progression for such a long time. It has felt wonderful to finally experience such a drastic leap forward.

2010 - My world fell apart with my divorce and I vowed to do whatever it took to fix me.
2012 - I was diagnosed with cancer and learned how to let people love me, how to be humble and vulnerable - found great healing in my biological, work, and church family, my blog, and my pottery.
2016 - Felt the call to ministry and my call was confirmed in a miraculous way.
2018 - Got a call out of the blue about becoming a hospital chaplain intern - something I applied for long ago and forgot about.
2019 - A class I took simply because I thought it would be cool to take a class from one of our General Superintendents - Theology and Witness of the Church Mothers.

So, since I'm on this extreme high, did I really have anything I needed to work on right now? Can't I just ride out this high?

I told her all about the trip, the audio book, my last visit with my sister. I can tell that there's been a drastic change in me the past six months or so. My sister can tell, too. The way we talk and relate to one another has changed. I don't know if anyone else can tell, but I can tell that there's been an even bigger change since just last week. That audio book and trip to Kansas City were phenomenal.

I even told her about my Good Witch revelation - Jake's Cassie vs. Sam's Cassie.

My therapist rejoiced with me in all the growth. She, too, recognized the change in me and congratulated the growth I've experienced since coming to her. However, she latched on to this Good Witch theme.

She understands and appreciates me not wanting to be in a childish relationship - the thing fairy tales are made of - knight in shining armor coming to rescue the princess. She said something pretty profound. In order to be rescued, we must be a victim. Never thought of that. She went on - considering our last discussion, of course I want to stay far away from being made to be or even to feel like a victim.

She then asked what it would take for me to feel like I was strong and independent like Sam's Cassie.  As often happens in these sessions, I just started talking and she latched onto hidden themes.

Money.

I equate success with money - independence.

I do not think I have anything to offer a relationship - make me an equal partner - until I am financially independent.

I know this. I understood this. I thought nothing of this. Isn't that the way it is?

Apparently not - at least, not necessarily - depending on the driving motivation.

She asked a poignant question. What is it about being financially independent that would make me successful? What is it about not being financially independent that makes me think I have nothing to offer? That I am less-than?

Oh!

This threw me off. My first thought was, "what do you mean? Isn't it obvious?"

I mean, isn't financial independence THE sign of success? I mean, I would hate to go into a relationship and not be able to help support us. Being financially dependent on someone else would place me on a lower rung on the relational ladder.

Right?

Maybe not. The more we talked about how having to rely on my parents financially makes me feel like a child, how I know they love me and don't think that way of me, but how it still makes me feel less-than, the more she held on to this issue and wondered why.

She suggested this is something I need to pray about and explore more. Where did I learn to equate worth with money?

I left my appointment still elated from the past week, but assured, once again, that my learning is not complete. As I have learned, and as she reminded me, growth is a life-long process.

Fast forward to this morning. During my prayer time, I lifted this question up to God. I thought about a lot of things.

Is it a learned response from childhood? My parents never said I was unsuccessful if I was poor, but my mom was/is such a strong and independent woman. She worked so hard to better herself from her childhood. I know my dad struggles with the fact that I do so much for the church, but do not get paid for it. Is my reasoning for equating money with success my way of wanting to live up to my mom's amazing example or to assure my dad that I'm okay?

Is it simply the fact that I live in America? The American dream? Success is built on material possessions. I have never been motivated by stuff, but I am in America. Is it simply deeply rooted American ideals subconsciously shaping my own idea of success?

My sister is a stay at home mom. I do not think any less of her because she does not earn a traditional paycheck. She is invaluable in her home. She is no less because she does not earn a traditional paycheck. She is amazing. The way she keeps her home, raises her boys, takes care of others, volunteers. There is no doubt in my mind that she is a more valuable wife to her husband in her current role than she would be if she worked a traditional job and brought home a traditional paycheck.

So, why do I equate success differently for me than I do for her?

Is it because I'm not married?

Or . . . is it precisely because I was married . . . ah . . . I may be on to something. My ex refused to work unless it was a music gig. This meant that there were times, especially the years leading up to our divorce, when he rarely worked. He could not offer much in the way of financial support so I did all the bill paying, which often required me to work overtime. The money he did have went to booze and cigarettes. There was always money for booze and cigarettes.

He used to complain that I never got upset when he was on the road and making plenty of money. He was right, so I quit complaining about the lack. However, what I realize now is that it was not so much about him not making money, but the fact that when he wasn't working, he did nothing.

When I left for work, he was asleep. When I got home, he was watching television. If he went out, it was to the store to get his supplies.

Not only did I work all day, but I had to clean the house. I had to make dinner. I did the laundry and grocery shopping. It was worse than living alone because he wouldn't even make the bed or put his clothes in the hamper or put his dirty dishes in the sink. Hmmm . . . I wonder . . . is this also why I hate cooking and hardly ever cook now?

I never complained because I found it easier to do it all myself rather than argue. After all, he was right, or so I thought. If he had been contributing financially, I would not be upset.

I think I equate money with success because I refuse to be a burden to anyone the way Brad was to me. I sometimes feel like a burden to my parents because I rely so heavily on them for financial help with unexpected things like my car needing repair or school bills needing to be paid.

The thing is, I'm not a burden like Brad. I may not make enough money to be financially independent, but I do what I can. I show my love in other ways. I keep the house clean. I am going to be cleaning up the yard soon - lots of tree trimming to be done. My dad doesn't expect me to do this and he wouldn't care if I left it for him, but I want to do it. This is my way of showing him I love him and appreciate him.

I wish I knew how to repay my mom back. I do what I can when I can, but with my schedule, it's hard for me to get to her house. And besides, she has people who do most of the work around her house that she needs done. I do try to show my love and appreciation in other ways. Just spending time with her, (even though she pays for the dinner and movies) is my way of showing her I love her and appreciate her.

My therapist and I also talked about love languages. I re-listened to that book by Gary Chapman as well during my trip. I identified my love language (quality time) and said I think I recognized my mom's and dad's too. She reminded me that sometimes it is hard for us to show love for someone when our love language is different from theirs. She encouraged me to work on finding ways to show them I love them using their love languages.

So, I am currently riding that upward trajectory, but I still have work to do. I still need to figure out why financial independence is so important to me and if it is possible for me to love and be loved without it. And - to experiment with the love languages of others.

Challenge accepted.