Into the Echo

"Into the echo, we shout our dreams
Into the echo, we throw our hearts
Into the echo, we send our love
Into the echo, to the echo, into the echo
To hear it back.”

Songwriters: Billy Falcon / Jon Bon Jovi

Into the Echo lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Ole Media Management Lp

As it often does on a solitary drive, my mind replayed various scenes/conversations/scenarios – three hours of reflection. 

A few months ago, during my quiet time with God, He told me that I was very much in tune with my head, but not with my heart. Little by little, He has been chiseling away the wall I worked so hard to build around my heart, protecting it from any and all forms of attack. He has reminded me time and time again that I cannot truly live – I cannot truly know Him – if these walls remain. 

The simplest way to tear down the wall is to allow myself to fully be present in emotionally tough times – whether while watching a movie like Breakthrough or participating in a Donor Walk. Allowing myself to cry in public has done wonders to shine light back into and out of my once dormant heart.

There is still one truth I deny myself because the truth is too painful to own. So, I lie – to others, to myself, and to God. I do what I have always done – allow my head to tell my heart what to think until I believe it. This time, however, I see it for what it is – a bold faced lie.

During my church's district assembly this week, I grew increasingly excited by the prospect of me getting ordained at next year’s event. I even told my friends gathered at dinner that if I did, I would wear a dress. After all, this is wedding-day-big-deal. One friend offered to buy the dress if I agree to actually wear a dress. Two others immediately started Googling dresses and offering suggestions. Yes – this girl wearing a dress is a HUGE deal – but, so is getting ordained!

However, my excitement led to unanticipated sadness as I read the bios of the Ordinands. Every one of them had something listed under their name in bold print which I will not have – the names of his or her spouse and children.

As the processional began, I watched as each Ordinand filed in with his or her spouse proudly walking beside them. I envisioned me next year walking alone. I nearly had a panic attack. I could feel the flood of tears wanting to burst forth, but I fought it. I could not and would not lose control now. After all, no one knows the extent of my loneliness.

I did, however, text the friend sitting next to me. “Maybe I’m not ready to be ordained after all.” She assured me I would not be alone. I will have a ton of biological and church family gathered there to support me and cheer for me. I let it go. After all, how do I explain something I refuse to admit to even myself?

How do I admit that I am lonely? That no matter how many friends I have, how many people I can talk with, at the end of the day, I still go home alone. I still go to bed alone. I still wake up alone. 

I’m not talking sex or any sort of physical intimacy. I am talking about emotional intimacy, to have someone to share my day with – maybe even hold me as I cry – rather than turn to ice cream or a blog. Someone to share my life with – other than my four-legged babies. They used to be enough – until very recently – they were all I needed.

After assembly, I stayed in Houston to visit my sister. She and one of my nephews showed me an episode from a Netflix show called Our Planet. This particular episode showed how one bird of paradise prepares to attract a mate by cleaning his “house” and then doing this elaborate dance for her. (check out the clip here and prepare to laugh https://youtu.be/rX40mBb8bkU)

This led to a lengthy conversation about how God uses nature to teach us how we should live. She used this as a teaching tool for her boys about family values and how this world has it backwards – how girls go to such great lengths to attract boys, throwing themselves at boys, wearing inappropriate clothing – how sex has become so cheap and inconsequential – how boys should do more to woo girls –  how important it is for her boys to woo the right girl. It was a rather fascinating conversation. I am very proud of my nephews and how my sister and brother-in-law are raising them.

No one has tried to woo me in – well – I can’t remember the last time a male tried to woo me.

I DO NOT in any way, feel sorry for myself because of this. The fact is, I have not put myself out there to be wooed. I know full well that I am an amazing catch – even if I rarely wear makeup and dress like a boy so often that the thought of me in a dress is such a hot topic of ongoing conversation. I know someone would be unbelievably lucky to win me over.

These were my thoughts while driving home from Houston. Now, before I continue, I must add this disclaimer – I am about to get real – honest – with myself. However, these revelations are too new and too raw. I do not and will not talk about them with anyone other than my therapist right now. This blog is mostly for me and I know very few people read it – which works to my advantage most of the time – especially right now. If I thought certain people would read this or if I thought those who do read it would pester me about it, I would never publish it. If you are reading this and you insist on asking me anything about it, I will lie and deny. So, please do not ask a pastor to lie. Simply take this for what it is – my “therapy blog” – working out my emotions on “paper." My publishing it in this blog is not an open invitation to engage me in dialogue. 

Lies that I tell myself and everyone else:

Lie:

I have no interest in getting married ever again.

Truth:

This was once true. After my divorce, I hated all men. I thought they could be friends and acquaintances, but deep down, they were all driven by sex and could not be trusted. Men were evil. I believed marriage was a scam and I refused to ever even consider the possibility.  

Then, I met some good married men – men who showed me what a God-fearing married man acted like and what an equal partnership looked like – nothing like I had known. It was refreshing. Still I wanted none of that for myself, preferring to be alone.

Then, God told me to get to know my heart as well as I know my head. The truth is, I do want to fall in love and be loved again. I do want someone to share my life with.  

Lie:

I’m a loner and better off on my own.

Truth:

There is a hint of truth in that, but I don't want it to be all true. I hope I'm not better off on my own.

I am a loner, and as an introvert, I do require a lot of alone time to recharge my batteries. But I also think I have a lot of love to give and I believe the right person would get me. If an introvert, he, too, would need space. If an extrovert, he would probably be okay doing some things without me, giving me my much needed space.

Brad and I hardly ever did anything together. We lived two separate lives. I want to do things differently if given another chance. However, that does not mean I have to go from one extreme to another. I think there could be a happy medium.

Lie:

I’ve been on my own too long. I’m too set in my ways.

Truth:

I have been alone a long time, but I am not too set in my ways. My life has changed so much over the past few years. I've had to readjust several times since moving back to Texas. I can readjust again given the right circumstances.

Lie:

I don’t have time to date.

Truth:

This is a convenient truth – a truth I control. We make time for what matters most to us, right?

Lie:

I have no interest in dating.

Truth:

Well, this is true. I have often said that if God wanted me to find someone, He’s going to have to drop him in my lap or make me trip over him because I am not looking. This is very much true.

The deeper truth is that I secretly hope that God does drop that man in my lap or make me trip. Just because I am not looking does not mean I would not let myself fall.

All these pieces came together as I listened to the Bon Jovi song, Into the Echo. I have heard and sung along to this song a zillion times. However, this time it was personal. It speaks to my growing sense of loneliness.

When I made the detour for the beach this past Monday, arriving late to district assembly, I stood along the shoreline staring out to sea. I had a deep desire to scream out over the waves, but there were too many people present. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. At the time, I couldn’t explain why I so desperately felt the need to scream, but after I heard this song, and played it over again, I understood.

"Into the echo, we shout our dreams . . . we throw our hearts . . . we send our love . . . to hear it back.”

Click here for: Into the Echo lyric video