Never Too Old or Too Young

Do you ever feel like an utter and total failure? Everything you try produces absolutely nothing? You have a great idea. The execution of the plan even seems flawless. Yet, somehow, nothing happens. You apply for a job you think it is perfect for you. Then, you receive that rejection. You try and try again, believing you are doing your absolute best with the gifts God gave you. Still, He closes door after door after door. Bills aren’t getting paid. You fall further and further behind. Dreams aren’t coming true. You pray. Your only desire is to be aligned with God’s will. You think you are following God’s will, but still . . . nothing. You feel like Job. You feel like the Israelites wandering in the wilderness. You feel like the disciples after the crucifixion of Christ. You wonder, “Will God ever restore my health and fortune? Will He ever lead me out of the wilderness? Will we ever see Jesus again?”

I admit, I have felt this way most of my life. Even when things go right, I feel like there’s something more. I try for something more only to have the door shut in my face. “But I’m doing this for you, God,” I think. Doesn’t that count for something?

It’s hard not to get discouraged. It’s hard not to wonder if God really meant more for me or if I am doomed to live in this cycle of failure. Or, is this really failure? Is there a purpose I cannot see? Is He preparing me for something greater even now?

I look at friends and family and sometimes become envious. They seem to have it all together. Great families. Certain carriers. Steady income. Stability. Confidence. Assurance. How nice it would be to have what they have.

Is it too late for me? After all, I’m now 40 years old. When I was young, I never wanted the traditional things of life, but I also never thought I’d live to see forty. Now, I’ve beaten cancer and took a leap of faith when I left a secure job to move back home and start over. I must admit, I thought it would be an easy transition, but it has been anything but.

Still, I never lost confidence that God had more for me. There was something waiting for me. I just didn’t know what. I was certain God would tell me when the time was right. In the meantime, I kept trying things and kept failing.

Then, I felt His call on my life to become a full-time minister. Once I got over the initial shock and fear and started telling people, something inside me changed.

All my life, I was somewhat jealous of my sister. When we were young, she was the one all the boys liked. She had all the friends. She was sure and confident about who she was. Things seemed to come easy for her. As an adult, she has an amazing husband and two wonderful boys. Her life still seems so easy and perfect. I didn’t necessarily want what she had, but I wanted the ease and comfort she seemed to have.

I grew up Catholic. From a very early age, the Church and I have been battling. I was bitter and angry with them for some things they did to me either directly or indirectly. Whenever I had to attend a Catholic service for whatever reason, I had a lump in my throat, my stomach churned, my fingers curled into fists, and my jaw clenched. I despised “them.” I tried to forgive them, but I couldn’t.

After I accepted God’s call on my life, my jealousy and anger disappeared. I was able to spend time with my sister and truly enjoy every bit of it without once feeling inferior. I attended a Catholic service with my family and felt calm and relaxed. I could see Christ there as well. It was a strange and glorious feeling to be comfortable in my own skin for the very first time in my life.

Still, as I try to imagine what work of ministry God may call me to, I wonder if I will be too old to start over yet again once I complete the ordination process in a few years. Can God still use me?

Yesterday, I read a children’s missionary book called A Storybook Ending based on real life events. A 13 year old boy was given a last minute seat on a mission trip after another, older boy, broke his leg. A 17 year old boy was not happy about this kid coming, and thought he was worthless, too young and immature to be of any real help.

To make a long story short, he finally found a place to fit in while on the mission trip. Once he got home, an adult whom the kid spoke with briefly called him and asked for his help. A grown-up asked a Canadian kid to help African children!

This seemingly worthless, too young to be useful kid, ended up completely developing and filling 35 libraries for school children in Swaziland, all before he was able to drive!

So, what did I, a 40 year old woman, gain from this book? No matter how others see us or how we see ourselves, we are never too young or too old to be used by and useful to God.

When He calls us, all we have to do is answer. “Here I am, Lord.” He will do the rest.

 

Look for God's Beauty

I have finished my prayers and have been sitting here enjoying the breeze while in some pain. Most of the time, when I water the plants, it is early morning, and I do it in my night gown and sneakers.

 

Well, last time I watered, a wasp flew up my gown and I got bit, and yes, it hurt. This morning, I put on shorts, and after I finished watering the plants, I gave the horses water. While the trough was filling up, I went inside, got coffee, and put on my flip flops.

 

After I turned the water off and was walking up the steps, a red ant got on my big toe, and before I could get it off, it bit me, and yes, it hurts. Will this stop me from watering my plants? No. It must be done. I can not let these two incidents stop me. My flowers need the water, and I love taking care of them. 

 This made me stop and think of our policemen. They are being targeted and they know there is danger, but they must continue to do their job. We must show them that the hatred of a few does not show the respect the rest of the world has for them. We must pray for them. 

 I was sitting here thinking of how the anger and hatred of a few can cause so much pain. We need to have more love and respect for each other.

 How can so few cause so much pain? Why do they have so much anger and hatred? 

As I was having these thoughts, I looked up and saw a quail with her babies walk by. It was as if our Lord was telling me not to focus on the ugly things of life, but on the beauty of life.

Yes we must pray for peace in the world, in our country, in our families, and in our lives. But we must give thanks for all we have and we must make time to enjoy all the beauty God creates around us. 

 Stop, take a big breath and today look for God's beauty in new place.

 

 

The Deep End

I sometimes find prayer difficult. The more pressure I place on myself about my prayers, the more muddled and superficial they become. The more I long to be a great woman of prayer, the easier it is to convince myself that my desire will sometimes suffice as prayer.

In moments such as this, my heart and my head battle. My heart yearns for the fellowship only true, intimate prayer brings. My head convinces me that it is okay for the worries of the day to distract me from purposeful, intentional prayer. After all, I talk to God all the time throughout the day, and that, in and of itself, is prayer.

Still, I know my head is wrong. In moments like this, I am looking for a graceful way to make myself feel better. But, in my heart of hearts, I know why deliberate, planned prayer is necessary. It is through such prayer that I prepare myself for whatever the day ahead may bring. It gives me time to focus on my needs and the needs of others. It takes my focus off of myself and onto my God. It centers me. It grounds me. It keeps me from sin. It provides the means through which I hear from God.

This morning, I woke up later than normal and struggled to start the day. I found my mind wandering as I read the Bible, and I was unable to shift my focus from my to-do list to the most sacred and important task before me, time with my Father.

I gave myself permission to do other things, specifically to take out the trash before it was too late and clean the pool before it got too hot.

As I sat outside contemplating my decision, I looked at the pool and thought I may not need to clean it today. It looked rather clean and inviting already. Then, when I stood and walked to the edge of the pool, I saw the filth. The winds blew countless leaves and blossoms into the pool, littering both the bottom and the top of the water. A dead frog floated on the surface.

I began the tedious, yet relaxing chore of skimming the top. As I did so, I shared my prayer struggles with God. He used the pool to illustrate the importance and value of prayer.

From a distance, the pool appeared to be blemish free. However, up close, I could see the tiniest of specks floating in the water.

From a distance, we, too, may look flawless, the model of perfect Christianity.  However, we all have our hidden stains and sins, some buried in the deepest parts, and some still floating on the surface.

If I failed to clean the pool, the dirt and debris would eventually rot the pool as bacteria and algae grew, taking over, turning the beautiful blue water green, and making it uninviting and toxic.

If we fail to give God our undivided attention in prayer, if we make excuses for why we fail to pray, the sin we put away a long time ago may resurface and grow. Those things we still struggle with will take root and flourish. We, too, will soon become uninviting and toxic.

Thank You, Father, for reminding me of the importance of my morning prayer time. Thank You, Father, for showing me the sin in making excuses. Thank You, Father, for using this illustration to speak to me.