Cross In My Window: There's Something About Brad

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

There's Something About Brad - and Grief

Grief is a strange thing. My world stops, but the lives of others just keep on going as if nothing happened. How is that?

My mom took me to breakfast this morning. I watched the girls in the booth in front of us, on their phones, chatting, laughing. Do they not realize the world stopped turning for me Monday night?

A few booths over, a couple fed a happy, curious baby. Bringing life into this world? My world which stopped spinning?

Conversations, clinking of metal forks against glass plates, the cadence of life as normal. But nothing is normal about life – not mine. Not right now.

Grief – she is fair, and she is sly. She changes shape and slithers and sneaks, catching unlucky prey by the neck.

I realize now the different faces of grief. The grief for my cousin and grandma were empathetic grief. I could not stop thinking about the family and what they were feeling. I could not stand the stillness and silence.

With Brad, everything, every memory, has come back center stage, flooding all my senses. I spend long stretches in silence. This grief is different. It is MY grief – MY pain – MY memories.

I want to feel something for his family, and although I love them and know the heartache they must be experiencing, there is no room in my heart to both empathetically grieve and to personally grieve. This pain is selfishly all mine.

Today, I listened to the song he wrote for our wedding. Not many people can say they have a love song written for/about them. I can – and this will be something I will cherish for as long as I live. This song reminds me of the good that once was and it helps me hold onto the joy we once shared.

Thank you, Brad, for sharing your gift with me.

I have been listening over and over again. I even found the ring and a part of the written lyrics, a treasure I forgot I still had.

Brad, hearing your voice over and over again, reading your handwritten lyrics, and seeing the ring you picked reminds me of the good times. We loved each other well once upon a time, you and I, and we never ceased, not really. It turns out that love alone could not sustain us. We did the best we could for where we were and who we were back then. I miss you. I have always missed you. Now I am thankful that we can both let go of the painful past and that I can simply hold onto the sweet memories of you – and although I mourn you now, I will smile again. You will always be with me - who we were once upon a time. Have fun jamming with Joe Diffie up there!

Click HERE to listen to Something about Renee by Brad Ruthven
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hand written lyrics and the ring

Brad singing the song during the ceremony

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About Renee

I often refer to myself as a wallflower or turtle: A wallflower because I am an observer of the world around me, quietly taking it all in, mulling over what I see and experience, and sometimes writing about it in blogs, sermons, fictional stories, or poetry. A turtle because I am slow and often withdraw and hide. Whether running or making a decision, I tend to dawdle, but I will get there, and once I do, I commit. I often withdraw into the safety of my shell while I am internally working out the details of life. Take this blog, for example. The wallflower/turtle me would rather keep all this "junk" to myself. Each time I write, though, I have no choice. I must get the stuff inside me out, and when it comes out, I feel God urging me to share. Each time I argue, He reminds me of how certain moments in my life may have been different had I realized I was not alone. So, this blog is my faithful pursuit to let whomever may stumble upon it know that they are not alone. We all have "junk," parts of ourselves we wish we could ignore, but we belong in community. Our survival relies on how well we care for one another. Like playing the drums (an old, out-of-date hobby), writing is my way of putting myself out there, being on stage, and still enjoy a bit of anonymity.