Very recently, a friend asked me to join her and a few other friends on a girl's road trip to Oregon. She will be moving there in August. As much fun as the trip would be, I originally said no because it did not conveniently fit into my plan. The trip is planned for the last week of my summer class.
I changed my mind about the trip because of my father. He rarely gives me unsolicited advise. I mean, I can count on one hand how many times in 44 years that he has told me what I should do.
One day, he confronted me about the trip and was adamant that I reconsider. At first, I laughed, thinking my friend had put him up to it. Then, I realized she did not. He wouldn't let it go, no matter how much I protested that it simply would not work out with my schedule.
Because of his insistence, I could not let it go, either. Because of his insistence, I was able to see things in a new light - the proper light - the light of love. She is a dear friend and confidant and she will soon be moving far away. Not only should I embrace this time with her, but I needed to embrace this time with friends in general. I get so caught up in work and school and ministry that I forget that actual human connection and interaction is vital. What is my work or school or ministry for or about if I neglect the greatest of these - the purpose for work and school and ministry - love.
The very next day, I said yes to the trip. This morning, I booked my flight home and made arrangements for my mom to babysit my fur-kids.
My dad's insistence came back to me this past Saturday. I work a split shift on Saturdays - two different hospitals. As I was driving from one hospital to the next, I received a call from my mom informing me that my cousin had been found unresponsive and was at the main Methodist in the medical center. She wanted to know where I was working. Not at main Methodist.
When we hung up, I continued driving toward my original destination - the place on my list - my calendar - the place I was previously scheduled to be. Then, I remembered my dad's insistence that I reconsider. And just like that, I knew where I needed to be.
Love.
I called my boss and told her about my cousin and asked permission to re-route my destination.
To be honest, I expected to go in, show love and support for my family, pray for them and my cousin, and then return to my original plan, but as soon as I saw them - and him - I knew I couldn't go anywhere anytime soon. I also knew I could not be their chaplain. Seeing my cousin was so different from seeing a stranger in the same setting, something I should have realized, but didn't.
I stayed with them until they got him situated in the ICU. My usual Monday is also a split shift. This time, however, half of the shift would be at the main Methodist where my cousin was. I still wanted to work, but I also wanted to be close by so that I could be there whenever the doctor met with them. I know just enough about these situations to know what the likely outcome was going to be. I never said a word about my suspicions to my family for obvious reasons, but I knew I wanted to be nearby whenever the inevitable moment happened. So, I called my boss and asked if she could change my schedule so that I would be at the main Methodist all day. She graciously changed my schedule.
One of my assigned units was the unit where my cousin was, which made it convenient for me to periodically check in. I was able to be present when the palliative care doctor arrived to talk with my aunt and cousin's wife. When my shift was over, I was able to remain there for several more hours until he was fully transitioned to comfort care.
Today, I got ready for work, but as I sat in the parking lot, I could not bring myself to get out of the car. I was spent - physically, emotionally, spiritually. I had nothing left to give. There was no way I could be an effective chaplain for anyone else today. So, I walked into my manager's office and we talked. He gave me his blessing to go back home. My boss and the big boss man both reached out to check on me.
This grief is not about me, although I am grieving. I know, whereas I will recover in a few days, my cousin's wife and mom have a much longer and tougher road ahead of them.
What I realize today is how blessed I am for my father. Because he doesn't frequently give me unsolicited advise, when he does, it causes me to pause and reconsider. Because of his insistence that I make this girl's trip a priority over and above work and school, his words helped me to see where my priorities needed to be on Saturday afternoon.
Love won out over my list thanks to my dad. I am thankful for the depletion I feel today because it meant I loved well yesterday. That is something no list can give me.
In Christianese, we call this kind of thing prevenient grace - the grace that goes before. God graced me with my dad's insistence knowing that his words would help me to veer off course - down the dirt road - the road less traveled - the road to love.
Thanks, Dad (capital -D, what I call God), for intervening before I knew I would need an intervention.
My favorite Bon Jovi song - Love's the Only Rule - dedicated to God, my dad, my entire family, and most of all - today - to my cousin, Andrew Guzman.
YouTube - Love's the Only Rule
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| Andrew and Michelle |
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