Turning Back Around

I wanted to unplug from social media for a while - and from blogging. I will most likely do that after this blog and at least through my vacation next week. Right now, though, as much as I don't want to, I need to write.

I am still flabbergasted by the response of my last blog. As I have said many times before, this blog is more for me than anyone else, but I still put it out there because I believe it's my gift - my ministry - to show how Christians hurt and heal - that we are not immune because we know Christ, but how He consistently saves us. However, my average ten-ish readership jumped to 50+ with my last blog. I'm still not sure why - was it the hulk photo? The warning? Or just chance? I don't even think I know 50+ people well enough who would read it.

Oh well . . .

The anger turned out to be a blessing - a sweet release - kind of. My ex-husband and former best friend no longer have a strangle hold on me. As a matter of fact, I even named my past shame to my women's small group this past week. I had no intention of doing so, but a question was asked and I answered - and I felt free. It is a great feeling to no longer be controlled by the past.

But then I wonder, if I was truly set free, why has the tension in my neck and shoulders not left? Why is it actually getting worse? It is, at times, a debilitating pain. I have even started to wonder if it could be something more - a pinched nerve, pulled muscle, heart disease, cancer?

Possibly, but I doubt it. I still think it is stress. It hurts so bad and I do not have the time or money for a massage so I turn to God. What should be my first and primary course of action has been my last resort this week.

WHY????? What am I still missing? What am I still holding on to?

I have tried working it out myself. The physical work I have done remodeling lately has felt wonderful, but it is temporary. The pain comes back and I know this pain is not muscle pain from the work I have been doing. It is along the top of the shoulders and up the neck. It burns sometimes. I often notice my shoulders are tense and I try to relax them, but it is futile.

Nothing I have tried works - so I pray.

HELP!!!!

I realize prayer has been difficult since last Sunday. The release of the anger was incredible - albeit hard. And, it was emotionally exhausting. My feelers need a break. So, I did what I so often do when I am on emotional overload, I shut down again - and I even shut out God.

I shut Him out because facing Him requires the feelers. I think I am numb, but my shoulders and neck say otherwise. The truth is in the tension. I am not yet free and if I want to finally be free, I MUST turn back around and face Him again.

So, I am facing Him again, pleading for relief from the physical manifestation. But, I know that before this physical pain will go away for good, I must be willing to continue unpacking whatever is still buried deep inside.

Last week, I realized anger was the one stage of grief I never walked through. Now I have. So what's left?

Hopefully, by turning back around - once again - God will show me and we'll deal with that, too - together.

Today, as I prayed, the Casting Crowns song, East to West, became my prayer. It continues to be my prayer. I am so ready to be on the other side of this garbage, but I, apparently, am not done yet.

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

. . . . . . . . .

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

Link to lyric video: https://youtu.be/2oV4ndllEY8