I thought about how much I hate modern country music. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that it’s not simply a matter of disliking the new style. It’s deeper than that. I get down right angry when I hear anything which has come out in the last ten years or so. Strange?
Several weeks ago, I met a friend for breakfast. She told me her story of why she used to dislike coffee. The smell reminded her of a bad memory from her past. Once she made the connection, she began to drink coffee as a means to overcome this issue.
This past week, I attended my first CPE (clinical pastoral education) class. Toward the end of our time together, one of the students asked for advice from the more experienced chaplains on how to maintain emotional distance when a situation with a patient or client is particularly tough.
We were taught that it is okay to be moved by a certain situation. We are bound to at some point. We were told that it is even okay to cry. The problem is when we either attempt to deny the patient the right to react a certain (healthy) way by trying to redirect the conversation or when we become so overcome that the patient now must console us.
Our instructor shared a story of a patient who remembered nothing about the chaplain’s visit except to say that she knew the chaplain cared because he or she cried.
Some situation is bound to remind us of something or someone from our past. How we react will tell us a lot about our own emotional health concerning that situation. If we are able to continue to minister without unhealthy or unhelpful redirection, anger, or other emotional breakdowns, it shows that we have grown through our own experiences. If we are not, a red flag should go up and bells should go off, letting us know there is something we have to work on within ourselves., and we MUST deal with it – whether we see a counselor, talk to a mentor, whatever. We cannot be effective in our ministry if we refuse to face our own issues.
This past week, I met a patient who had just gotten some rough news. Her experience reminded me of my own experience in the hospital when I learned that I had cancer – all the unknowns and fear. The patient’s spouse reminded me of my mom – how she tried so hard to be strong for me while with me at the hospital but would break down and cry the moment she left me for the night. I cried with the patient but was able to minister in a productive (and I hope) helpful way. I even gave the spouse permission to express emotion, even if that meant crying. The patient thanked me and believed God sent me to that room at just that time for just that reason. I think so, too. I had to go to the restroom after that visit to check my eyes and makeup before going to the next room, but I felt assured that this is exactly why I was allowed to go through what I went through and I am doing exactly what I am meant to do.
Healthy healing.
Back to the country music – old stuff makes me happy, modern stuff makes me angry.
I recently began having dreams about my ex again. These dreams are different than they used to be. In the old dreams, we got back together, as much as I still loved him, I always woke up (in my dream) the next morning and knew I had made a terrible mistake, but I had no way out. I was stuck. I have worked through those issues, and those dreams have stopped.
Lately, these dreams are more frightening. He is either just coming out of or just going into a manic episode. We haven’t been together in a long time, but in each version, he is angry with me and coming after me. No matter where I hide, he finds me. I always wake up before he finds me, but I wake up scared.
I haven’t quite figured this one out yet. I haven’t seen my counselor since these dreams started. However, something is there – something I have not gotten past yet. He was a country artist. His life involved the country music industry. The music which makes me angry is stuff that came out just before and since our divorce.
Valentine’s Day is approaching. I have never cared for Valentine’s Day. There are only two things I have ever liked about V-Day:
1) dad always got us girls our own box
of chocolates and
2) being able to carry on grandpa’s tradition
of bringing my grandma flowers.
Other than that, I think this stupid
holiday is a sham. I’m no romantic. If a person wants to say “I love you,”
why does he or she need to be told on one day a year? Why not pick a random
Tuesday? Or on several random Tuesdays?
Anyway, this year has been a little
off-putting. I’m still not a fan of flowers which will die in a few days, but
there’s something about those giant teddy bears that I see at Walmart. I think
how romantic it would be for some guy to show up at his girlfriend’s door with
that big ole’ teddy bear in front of his face. I can even imagine that big ole’
bear on my bed and me using it as a prop pillow, be all snuggly with my bear,
reading a book or binging on Netflix.
Yuck! I don’t want to have those types
of thoughts. However, these strange, new, random, icky sweet thoughts are
quickly replaced by a sense of anger and revulsion. Why? Whatever it is, I am
certain it is still some unresolved issues about my ex. But what? I have absolutely
no idea.
Do I start listening to country music like
my friend started drinking coffee? Whatever the resolution, I know I have to
work through it before it negatively effects my ministry. Lucky for me, I have
an appointment with my therapist this week. We'll have a grand ole' time dissecting this one!
So, here’s to working through the anger
and making more happy (or at least useful) memories!
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