Fork in the Road

I met with my counselor yesterday – already feeling lousy – sickly (mostly allergies) and flustered because I was running late – unusual traffic – I hate to be late.

“Sometimes I miss the days when I was emotionally numb – no highs, no lows – just an even rhythm to life.”

“Emotionally withdrawn?” She corrects when she senses that I am struggling with the words.

“Yea, emotionally withdrawn.” I go on to explain that there is nothing emotionally causing me to feel like this. Just the blahs. We go on to discuss how little motivation I have this week, and how I have been acting out of character – my usual patient and happy-go-lucky self now feeling short tempered and snappy, causing me to withdraw physically.

We discuss the difference between withdrawing to escape – something I have always been very good at doing – and escaping because that is what my body needs – rest. I know this escape is not mental. It is all physical. However, the more we talk, the more I realize the mounting mental and spiritual exhaustion may have played a part in my physical weakening. Maybe this is God’s way of forcing me to slow down when I could not slow myself down.

My counselor knows – we have discussed it many times before – that God talks to me in dreams. She has done a tremendous job helping me to understand some of these more disturbing dreams. I have since used her suggestions to help myself figure out my dreams. And even though I knew the meaning of my most recent disturbing dream, I shared it with her anyway. It is something I cannot get out of my mind. A dream I am so thankful for – a message long sought after, but until the dream, I had been unable to figure out on my own.

The dream:

I landed at the airport in London. After renting a vehicle, I hit the highway, speeding to keep up with the truck in front of me that I needed to follow if I wanted to get to the right destination without getting lost in an unfamiliar city and country.

The lead vehicle was not watching to make sure I was following, so I sped along. As the lead vehicle changed lanes, I changed lanes. We were coming up to a fork in the road. If I went the wrong way, I would be lost. The lead vehicle changed lanes to the right. I veered right. The lead vehicle changed lanes to the left. I veered left. Other cars got in between us. I thought I saw the lead car veer right, so I swerved so as not to miss the turn. Then, I quickly realized my mistake, and made a hard left to get in the correct lane before reaching the fork. I was too late, and my SUV slammed against the barricade, sending my vehicle crashing onto its driver’s side, and skidding to rest in the middle of the road. The lead vehicle never slowed, never even seemed to notice that I had crashed.

Just as the vehicle slammed into the barricade, suddenly, I was not the driver. Instead, I was in a restaurant/bar watching this live on television. I was yelling at the driver on the television to “slow down!”  “You’re going the wrong way!” “Watch out!”

The barkeep, whom I believe was my mentor in real life, asked what I was watching that was getting me so excited. I told him it was a live feed of Jon Bon Jovi. Some reality-type show, I suppose. He rolled his eyes and smiled. I turned my attention back to the screen and gasped in horror. First responders pulled Jon Bon Jovi’s body out of the driver’s side of the wrecked vehicle and laid him out in the middle of the road. I had no idea if he was alive or dead, but he was not responsive.  David Bryan, Bon Jovi’s keyboard player, walked, unharmed from the passenger side of the wrecked vehicle. The next thing I knew, David was not on the screen, but standing right beside me watching what was going on, in shock, a single tear streaming down his face. Just before I woke up, I thought to myself, “Why did it have to be him? (meaning Jon) Why could it not be you? (meaning David) I was disgusted and ashamed of myself for having such thoughts.

When I woke up, the dream would not leave. It bothered me. I tried to pray, but I could not concentrate. In one of the lessons of my current Bible study, Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shrirer, she talks about what to do when we cannot control our thoughts during prayer. She suggests that instead of trying to push them aside, to bring them to God instead. So, that is what I did. He told me to go for a walk. I get the best clarity when I go for a walk with Him.

So, I went for a walk. When I was driving the car (in my dream), that is like how I have been, wasting so much energy trying to chase down God’s plan for me, so desperate to be in His will, so afraid of going in the wrong direction and getting lost. When I was watching it unfold on the television, with the voice of reason in my head, showing me the folly of the driver’s actions, that is the Holy Spirit living in me – guiding my steps, leading the way.

This dream is in line with what I am learning in this Bible study. In the dream, God showed me that I do not have to chase Him. He is never going to run so far ahead of me that I cannot catch up. He is never going to leave me behind. I am wasting my time and energy chasing Him because He is not running. He is right here with me, in me, guiding me every step of the way. He is the voice in my head, my guide. He will tell me when to slow down, when to change lanes, when to move, and when to be still and wait.

I cannot describe how freeing it feels to realize that I have been chasing God, afraid of losing Him, and now realizing all that effort was in vain because He is right here – in and beside me. After realizing this, and being overwhelmed with the peace this brought me, I felt comforted.

It reminded me of the time when I was a child, home sick with the flu. I called my mom at work and asked her to come home. She came home. There was nothing she could do for me to ease the suffering, but just knowing she was there made me feel so much better. I was able to rest because she was there. This was that same kind of feeling – to be loved and comforted by a parent, able to rest because of that love.

What about the fact that the driver turned out to be Jon Bon Jovi? My childhood idol? The man I wanted to grow up to be like? The picture of success, and everything I wanted out of life?

Another lesson from the Bible study that has challenged me is twofold:

First, Abraham did not just go. He made plans, made preparations. During week one, Priscilla challenged us to write down what God has been calling us to do, or what we hoped to hear from God. I wrote “discipline.” I am a dreamer, but not a very good doer. I lose focus way too easily. I need to learn to plan – to do – not just stuff, but the right kind of stuff.

Second, I heard a new song by Casting Crowns. I loved the song at first because of his voice. Then, I fell in love with the words. Only Jesus. “I don’t want to leave a legacy. I don’t care if they remember me. Only Jesus.”  Another lesson from the study. Who are we working for? Who are we trying to impress?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about a girl I went to high school with. She became everything she set out to be. I, on the other hand, never made it past the dreams. The me of today would be an embarrassment to the me from my childhood. Then, I wonder why this matters. After all, I like who I am becoming. I know why it matters. Because I’m 42, almost 43. I wish I had it more together by now. I wish I had not wasted so much time dreaming and not doing anything about those dreams.

Jon Bon Jovi represents all those childhood hopes and dreams and aspirations. If he died, a part of me would die with him.

What about David Bryan? Jon is the cool one. He’s the one in front, the one everyone sees and admires. He is the one who gets all the attention. He is also incredibly talented, but of them all, David is the most talented. He was at Julliard before leaving to join Bon Jovi full time. During their hiatuses as a band, he has written and produced Broadway musicals. He survived. My talents, the gifts God gave me, are still alive and thriving. Whether the world ever knows about them or not, they are still there.

As I walked, as I thought about this part of my dream, I thought about Bon Jovi’s musical history – how each album tells a story. If I were to write myself into that story, where would I be? The first three albums were very commercial. A little of their unique, storytelling, uplifting voice came out on New Jersey. The band nearly imploded during that tour. They took a long break, and each member tried new things separate from the band. When they came back together, their unique sound grew more and more with each new album. Now, nothing they do is commercially driven, but all driven from the story of their heart. You can hear their maturity and independence stream into each new song.

If I had to choose a Bon Jovi album to write myself into right now, it would probably be These Days. They said they thought the songs were uplifting and positive at the time, but when they listen now, they hear the pain and sadness. Those songs were real. Those songs are raw. This was the first album without bassist, Alec John Such. The songs are filled with longing – for love, for purpose, for understanding. They do seem sad, but there is a sense of hope in them. “I’m feeling like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night.”

“Hey God”

“Something to Believe In”

“If That’s What It Takes”

“Lie to Me” my all-time favorite Bon Jovi song purely because of the building intensity of the song. I can feel the pain when I hear it. By the end of the song, I realize I am holding my breath.

As dour as this may seem, I don’t identify with These Days most because of the dark tone of the album. Rather, I identify with the building intensity – the something about to burst. The hope on the verge of breaking through – the real me finally finding voice – maturity, growth – something magical waiting just on the other side, and my hand on the doorknob.

Each proceeding album becomes more and more positive, as if the artists are becoming more and more comfortable living in their own skin.

Crush . . . Bounce . . . all leading up to today. The most recent Bon Jovi album, the first post-Richie album. The hurt is there, but the hope, the assurance of resiliency, is stronger. “This house is not for sale.”

My favorite song on this album “Rollercoaster.” Life is not a Ferris wheel. It’s a roller coaster.

Back to Jon Bon Jovi in my dream – laying unconscious, possibly dead on the road. It is a letting go of all MY hopes and dreams, all MY ambitions, MY need to be a certain something to prove MY success to an imaginary “them.” ME letting go of MY childhood need to leave MY own legacy. Finding comfort and peace at last in realizing I don’t have to chase after anything or anyone because God, in the Holy Spirit, is right here. As Mark from Casting Crowns sings,

“all that really matters
Did I live the truth to the ones I love
Was my life the proof that there is only One
Whose name will last forever . . .

Jesus is the only name to remember.”

As the imagery and truth of this dream come into focus, I turn the corner to head for home. I think again of the Bon Jovi song, Rollercoaster. I think of other songs which compare life to some sort of ride. I look ahead up the road which will lead me home, and I realize that I don’t want my life to be a Ferris wheel, roller coaster, or even a highway. I don’t even want it to be a hiking trail. I want it to be a simple road. Could have hills, curves, or flat paths, as long as it continues to move forward – slowly – no rush – so that I can continue walking with Him, looking ahead, but focused within.