Fork in the Road

I met with my counselor yesterday – already feeling lousy – sickly (mostly allergies) and flustered because I was running late – unusual traffic – I hate to be late.

“Sometimes I miss the days when I was emotionally numb – no highs, no lows – just an even rhythm to life.”

“Emotionally withdrawn?” She corrects when she senses that I am struggling with the words.

“Yea, emotionally withdrawn.” I go on to explain that there is nothing emotionally causing me to feel like this. Just the blahs. We go on to discuss how little motivation I have this week, and how I have been acting out of character – my usual patient and happy-go-lucky self now feeling short tempered and snappy, causing me to withdraw physically.

We discuss the difference between withdrawing to escape – something I have always been very good at doing – and escaping because that is what my body needs – rest. I know this escape is not mental. It is all physical. However, the more we talk, the more I realize the mounting mental and spiritual exhaustion may have played a part in my physical weakening. Maybe this is God’s way of forcing me to slow down when I could not slow myself down.

My counselor knows – we have discussed it many times before – that God talks to me in dreams. She has done a tremendous job helping me to understand some of these more disturbing dreams. I have since used her suggestions to help myself figure out my dreams. And even though I knew the meaning of my most recent disturbing dream, I shared it with her anyway. It is something I cannot get out of my mind. A dream I am so thankful for – a message long sought after, but until the dream, I had been unable to figure out on my own.

The dream:

I landed at the airport in London. After renting a vehicle, I hit the highway, speeding to keep up with the truck in front of me that I needed to follow if I wanted to get to the right destination without getting lost in an unfamiliar city and country.

The lead vehicle was not watching to make sure I was following, so I sped along. As the lead vehicle changed lanes, I changed lanes. We were coming up to a fork in the road. If I went the wrong way, I would be lost. The lead vehicle changed lanes to the right. I veered right. The lead vehicle changed lanes to the left. I veered left. Other cars got in between us. I thought I saw the lead car veer right, so I swerved so as not to miss the turn. Then, I quickly realized my mistake, and made a hard left to get in the correct lane before reaching the fork. I was too late, and my SUV slammed against the barricade, sending my vehicle crashing onto its driver’s side, and skidding to rest in the middle of the road. The lead vehicle never slowed, never even seemed to notice that I had crashed.

Just as the vehicle slammed into the barricade, suddenly, I was not the driver. Instead, I was in a restaurant/bar watching this live on television. I was yelling at the driver on the television to “slow down!”  “You’re going the wrong way!” “Watch out!”

The barkeep, whom I believe was my mentor in real life, asked what I was watching that was getting me so excited. I told him it was a live feed of Jon Bon Jovi. Some reality-type show, I suppose. He rolled his eyes and smiled. I turned my attention back to the screen and gasped in horror. First responders pulled Jon Bon Jovi’s body out of the driver’s side of the wrecked vehicle and laid him out in the middle of the road. I had no idea if he was alive or dead, but he was not responsive.  David Bryan, Bon Jovi’s keyboard player, walked, unharmed from the passenger side of the wrecked vehicle. The next thing I knew, David was not on the screen, but standing right beside me watching what was going on, in shock, a single tear streaming down his face. Just before I woke up, I thought to myself, “Why did it have to be him? (meaning Jon) Why could it not be you? (meaning David) I was disgusted and ashamed of myself for having such thoughts.

When I woke up, the dream would not leave. It bothered me. I tried to pray, but I could not concentrate. In one of the lessons of my current Bible study, Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shrirer, she talks about what to do when we cannot control our thoughts during prayer. She suggests that instead of trying to push them aside, to bring them to God instead. So, that is what I did. He told me to go for a walk. I get the best clarity when I go for a walk with Him.

So, I went for a walk. When I was driving the car (in my dream), that is like how I have been, wasting so much energy trying to chase down God’s plan for me, so desperate to be in His will, so afraid of going in the wrong direction and getting lost. When I was watching it unfold on the television, with the voice of reason in my head, showing me the folly of the driver’s actions, that is the Holy Spirit living in me – guiding my steps, leading the way.

This dream is in line with what I am learning in this Bible study. In the dream, God showed me that I do not have to chase Him. He is never going to run so far ahead of me that I cannot catch up. He is never going to leave me behind. I am wasting my time and energy chasing Him because He is not running. He is right here with me, in me, guiding me every step of the way. He is the voice in my head, my guide. He will tell me when to slow down, when to change lanes, when to move, and when to be still and wait.

I cannot describe how freeing it feels to realize that I have been chasing God, afraid of losing Him, and now realizing all that effort was in vain because He is right here – in and beside me. After realizing this, and being overwhelmed with the peace this brought me, I felt comforted.

It reminded me of the time when I was a child, home sick with the flu. I called my mom at work and asked her to come home. She came home. There was nothing she could do for me to ease the suffering, but just knowing she was there made me feel so much better. I was able to rest because she was there. This was that same kind of feeling – to be loved and comforted by a parent, able to rest because of that love.

What about the fact that the driver turned out to be Jon Bon Jovi? My childhood idol? The man I wanted to grow up to be like? The picture of success, and everything I wanted out of life?

Another lesson from the Bible study that has challenged me is twofold:

First, Abraham did not just go. He made plans, made preparations. During week one, Priscilla challenged us to write down what God has been calling us to do, or what we hoped to hear from God. I wrote “discipline.” I am a dreamer, but not a very good doer. I lose focus way too easily. I need to learn to plan – to do – not just stuff, but the right kind of stuff.

Second, I heard a new song by Casting Crowns. I loved the song at first because of his voice. Then, I fell in love with the words. Only Jesus. “I don’t want to leave a legacy. I don’t care if they remember me. Only Jesus.”  Another lesson from the study. Who are we working for? Who are we trying to impress?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about a girl I went to high school with. She became everything she set out to be. I, on the other hand, never made it past the dreams. The me of today would be an embarrassment to the me from my childhood. Then, I wonder why this matters. After all, I like who I am becoming. I know why it matters. Because I’m 42, almost 43. I wish I had it more together by now. I wish I had not wasted so much time dreaming and not doing anything about those dreams.

Jon Bon Jovi represents all those childhood hopes and dreams and aspirations. If he died, a part of me would die with him.

What about David Bryan? Jon is the cool one. He’s the one in front, the one everyone sees and admires. He is the one who gets all the attention. He is also incredibly talented, but of them all, David is the most talented. He was at Julliard before leaving to join Bon Jovi full time. During their hiatuses as a band, he has written and produced Broadway musicals. He survived. My talents, the gifts God gave me, are still alive and thriving. Whether the world ever knows about them or not, they are still there.

As I walked, as I thought about this part of my dream, I thought about Bon Jovi’s musical history – how each album tells a story. If I were to write myself into that story, where would I be? The first three albums were very commercial. A little of their unique, storytelling, uplifting voice came out on New Jersey. The band nearly imploded during that tour. They took a long break, and each member tried new things separate from the band. When they came back together, their unique sound grew more and more with each new album. Now, nothing they do is commercially driven, but all driven from the story of their heart. You can hear their maturity and independence stream into each new song.

If I had to choose a Bon Jovi album to write myself into right now, it would probably be These Days. They said they thought the songs were uplifting and positive at the time, but when they listen now, they hear the pain and sadness. Those songs were real. Those songs are raw. This was the first album without bassist, Alec John Such. The songs are filled with longing – for love, for purpose, for understanding. They do seem sad, but there is a sense of hope in them. “I’m feeling like a Monday, but someday I’ll be Saturday night.”

“Hey God”

“Something to Believe In”

“If That’s What It Takes”

“Lie to Me” my all-time favorite Bon Jovi song purely because of the building intensity of the song. I can feel the pain when I hear it. By the end of the song, I realize I am holding my breath.

As dour as this may seem, I don’t identify with These Days most because of the dark tone of the album. Rather, I identify with the building intensity – the something about to burst. The hope on the verge of breaking through – the real me finally finding voice – maturity, growth – something magical waiting just on the other side, and my hand on the doorknob.

Each proceeding album becomes more and more positive, as if the artists are becoming more and more comfortable living in their own skin.

Crush . . . Bounce . . . all leading up to today. The most recent Bon Jovi album, the first post-Richie album. The hurt is there, but the hope, the assurance of resiliency, is stronger. “This house is not for sale.”

My favorite song on this album “Rollercoaster.” Life is not a Ferris wheel. It’s a roller coaster.

Back to Jon Bon Jovi in my dream – laying unconscious, possibly dead on the road. It is a letting go of all MY hopes and dreams, all MY ambitions, MY need to be a certain something to prove MY success to an imaginary “them.” ME letting go of MY childhood need to leave MY own legacy. Finding comfort and peace at last in realizing I don’t have to chase after anything or anyone because God, in the Holy Spirit, is right here. As Mark from Casting Crowns sings,

“all that really matters
Did I live the truth to the ones I love
Was my life the proof that there is only One
Whose name will last forever . . .

Jesus is the only name to remember.”

As the imagery and truth of this dream come into focus, I turn the corner to head for home. I think again of the Bon Jovi song, Rollercoaster. I think of other songs which compare life to some sort of ride. I look ahead up the road which will lead me home, and I realize that I don’t want my life to be a Ferris wheel, roller coaster, or even a highway. I don’t even want it to be a hiking trail. I want it to be a simple road. Could have hills, curves, or flat paths, as long as it continues to move forward – slowly – no rush – so that I can continue walking with Him, looking ahead, but focused within.

What Will Your Story Be?

I am not sure if it was chance or if she purposely scheduled it this way, but today was my turn to preach. 

September 11, 2018

I knew the schedule months ago, and I thought I knew where I planned to take it. I got the idea after reading Eat Cake, Be Brave by Melissa Radke – how we know what we believe, but we do not know who and whose we are – but God, in His infinite wisdom, had other plans.

While suffering from my own depression, I watched the Louie Giglio sermon video called Hope – When Life Hurts Most. I thought this was it. I planned to simply “borrow” some of his ideas and wrap it up with a “9/11” bow – and integrate Radke’s idea of turning a negative into a positive. This was not God’s plan, either – at least, not completely.

As I sat down to prepare the sermon, I got online to research the good that came from September 11, 2001. Before I found stories of good, I heard stories of loss – terrible, gut wrenching loss – love. I sobbed. Tears wet my face and neck and collar of my shirt. I knew their stories needed to be told. I knew our stories needed to be told. I knew HIS story needed to be told.

As God often does when I put my hands on the keys – He took over. The sermon wrote itself.

Yesterday, I did not feel the normal need to read and re-read my notes, to make sure I had my outline worked out in my head. I knew it was there – and that I would not forget.

This morning, I did not have the same sort of nerves as normal. I did not feel the need to isolate myself prior to the sermon and psych myself for getting up in front of people – all eyes on me. I knew HE had this. I knew all I needed to do was open my mouth, and He would take care of the rest.

If I preach during the summer when my dad’s gone, I usually try to video it for him because I know it means a lot to him to be able to see me when he can’t be there. He’s my biggest fan. I usually invite my mom to come, then we’d go to lunch after. This time, though, it was personal. It was intimate. It was solemn. It was solely about God and those in attendance. I prayed for them before today. I usually always do that, but I prayed more fervently this morning. Someone needed the solemn hope of this message.

I cried as I retold the stories – not as many tears as when I first heard them, but still, I cried. What is most remarkable to me is how God moved in that little room. The stories they shared with me – and with one another. The stories of hope – the words of encouragement. The broken hearts shared with me, and with each other afterwards.

God has done so much lately, moving in the life of my church, and people around me. I am in awe of how He moves. There is no better word to describe it than awe.

Afterwards, I was emotionally drained. I feel like I could sleep for days. As tired as I am, I can’t help but laugh at myself when I realize how dramatic I got at times – weeping without shame or embarrassment, pounding my fist against the pulpit, raising my voice, repeating important key phrases – just plain animated – so out of character for me – because that was not me. I was passionate to share the One I love most with others so they can know Him the way I do.

I have never posted my sermon notes anywhere for anyone to see. But, there is something about this day – 9/11 – something about how today came about. These are not my words. They are not even my thoughts. I was simply blessed to be the vehicle through which they were put down on paper and delivered to God’s hurting sons and daughters.

This will not be posted on Facebook like my normal blog posts. So, if you happen upon this little blog of mine, I hope you know just how much God loves you – in spite of any suffering you may be experiencing – and my prayer for you is that you will see Him and feel Him holding you and loving you through the pain, and I pray your suffering will be short-lived, but that in it, and in HIM, you will be victorious.

Sermon notes:

Begin with a moment of silence.

Read scripture with no explanation.

John 16:33

³³ “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Romans 8:18 New International Version (NIV)

¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 8:35 New International Version (NIV)

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 New International Version (NIV)

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Without explanation, transition to stories of victims of 9/11

1)      He was a ticket agent – he checked in the victims AND the hijackers on the morning of September 11, 2001. The next day, a co-worker handed him a list of all the people on the plane – the people he checked in. No one would look him in the eye. For years, he carried the guilt – felt personally responsible for every death. He could not go to a support group because every time someone said “My _________ got killed on September 11”, he heard “You killed my ______ on September 11.”

2)      A retired fire fighter had two sons. One grew up to be a firefighter like him, and the other grew up to be a police detective. Both died on September 11. One son was 34 years old. The other was 36 years old. His firefighter son’s badge number was 3436. He says he is able to sleep at night because the last thing he said to both of his sons was “I love you.”

3)      Her husband worked on the 105^th floor of the south tower. He called his wife after the plane hit below him. They talked as he searched for a way out. They talked about their lives together and repeated how much they loved one another. They both knew he was going to die. She was on the phone with him when the tower fell. She heard the cracking sound of the building.

Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? That’s the age-old question.

I can explain how evil is the result of sin.

I could encourage you to read the Book of Job.

We can go back to the beginning and we can pick apart the theological nuances of the scriptures I read just a minute ago.

But for those victims of 9/11, the ones left behind to try to make sense of it all, nothing makes sense. Nothing I say, no matter how theologically sound, will make it make sense for them.

For you – for me. When we are in the midst of terrible tragedy, none of it makes sense. Nothing anyone can tell us can make it better.

We are all going to suffer in this world. That I can promise you. The victims of 9/11 know that is a fact. I’m sure everyone here today knows that is a fact.

Suffering is going to come, and all our plans are going to be snuffed out in an instant.

Then what’s the point?

Jesus is the point.

We all have a story. It’s what we do with our story that matters. We have two choices. We can either allow our suffering to enslave us or we can make suffering our slave.

We speak the loudest to the world when we suffer.

Genesis 50:20 New International Version (NIV)

²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

The terrorist meant to destroy us. They made us suffer, yes, but they did not destroy us.

1)      The Feal (spelled f-e-a-l) Foundation- named after John Feal. He was injured during 9/11. While at the hospital, he witnessed how much suffering was going on around him. He realized he had a lot left to give so he set up this foundation to give medical support to first responders and emergency personnel.

2)      The Peter C. Alderman Foundation – The parents of Peter, who lost his life on 9/11, set up this foundation in his honor to heal the emotional wounds of victims of terrorist attacks and acts of mass destruction.

3)      New York Says Thank You Foundation – Founder Jeff Parness was inspired by the outpouring of support immediately following 9/11. Every September, victims of past disasters help current victims rebuild their lives.

I can go on and on with stories about how victims of 9/11, victims of other mass tragedies, and victims of bullying, prejudice, sickness, death have decided to enslave their suffering.

Jesus conquered death once and for all. Satan may throw everything he has at you, but we were made for a higher purpose. Grace wins every time.

We cannot prevent suffering, but we can be ready for it.

How?

1)      We have to know God. We have to know Jesus Christ. We come to know Him by consistently, daily, spending time with God in prayer, in reading the Bible, in spending time with other believers. We must nurture this relationship above all else.

2)      We have to train ourselves to continually, consistently look up – not in.

Cross Then - Look to the cross. Imagine you there – you walked with Jesus. You talked with Jesus. You learned from Jesus. You believed He was the promised Savior. All of a sudden, you see Him up there on the cross. He’s been beaten, spat upon, mocked, shamed, a crown of thorns pushed down upon his head. He hangs there, defeated, dying. All your hopes and dreams are dying right along with it. You cannot understand. All seems lost, hopeless. You are afraid. You followed him, which means the authorities are coming after you next. Suffering has enslaved you.

Cross Now - Fast forward 2,000 years. Look at that cross now. What was once an object of ridicule, shame, fear, hopelessness is now a symbol of rejoicing, love, goodness, and hope. When we look upon the cross today, we know death has been defeated.

Why? - How do we know this? Because Jesus’ disciples made the choice to enslave their suffering. They pressed on and looked up.

9/11 Then - Those of us old enough to remember 9/11 will never forget. The images, the stories. They will be enough to break our hearts for the rest of our lives.

9/11 Now - Fast forward 17 years later, for anyone 17 years old and younger, it is nothing more than an historical fact, a memorial to visit.

What? - In another 100 years, when no one is alive to retell their experiences, it will be like the Civil War is to us. When people look back, they will know our story. What will our story be?

What is your story now? I invite you now to share your story – share how you took what Satan meant for harm and used it for God’s glory.

Listen to one or two stories – depending on time.

If you are in the middle of suffering and can’t imagine how you could possibly enslave it. If you are still stuck, enslaved to something that happened to you a long time ago. If your story is not one you are proud of for whatever reason, now is the time to begin the process of healing – and yes – it is a process. It starts right now, at the foot of the cross. It starts by asking Jesus Christ to come into your life – to change your life – to use your life and your suffering for His glory.

Matthew 11:28-30

²⁸“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”