If, by chance, anyone reads this, please understand that this particular blog post is intended to be nothing more than a journal entry, something I do not want to forget. I am not sharing to any social media sites. I wrote in my journal already, but my hurried thoughts on paper are illegible. This is a lesson I cherish and hope to never forget. Therefore, I am going to write as if talking to Jesus. However, I am purposely leaving key details out so parts may not make sense.
Little by little, since that moment almost nine years ago when I vowed to do whatever it takes to fix me, you have been chiseling away at the stone built up around my heart. I had come so far, but, apparently, I still had/have a lot of work to do. Recently, You told me I didn't know my heart as well as I knew my head. I didn't know what that meant.
I had no idea what you meant. Then, even more recently, a snowball effect began to occur. Others in the educational realm of my life have made the comment that they have noticed that disconnect, that I still have work to do, but that I'm teachable.
I was called a snot by a woman in the church. She was kind of kidding, but not really. She was referring to my tendency to get so busy and so wrapped up in my own world that I shut others out. Ouch!
Then, the reading for class this week - the Cappadocian Fathers - Gorgonia - she representing marriage as it should be. What? That? Could it be? The reading sent me on a whirlwind of jumbled thoughts. I was missing something, but what?
Then, I crashed. I had gone back old habits of going, going, going until I burned out and had no more energy to do anything. I had been neglecting my Sabbaths. Three days of sleeping late, doing as little as possible, and thinking. What was I missing?
I carried these thoughts with me on the drive to my counseling apt. After two months, only You would know to schedule it at this precise moment. Man, I am in awe by You.
As we talked, it started to come together. She called it what it is. Surprisingly, it didn't phase me. Somehow, I knew. Had the roles been reversed, I would have seen it just as clearly. I wasn't angry or shamed or anything like I had been before about the other thing. This seemed so obvious and matter of fact.
We talked a lot about my issues with the Catholic Church. We talked about the reading. She asked what I was most drawn to. I was drawn to what submission is really all about - what a marriage could look like and be when both partners are drawn to God first, when You are their first love and first priority - what a beautiful partnership that could be. I was in awe. I had no idea. I was wrong. I had such a skewed idea of what love was, what it was supposed to be. I had a messed up belief in what a good, Christian wife was expected to do and be. I had it all wrong.
She asked me how I felt about myself, looking back. I realized I was okay. That girl was doing the best she knew how with what she knew at the time. She was so wrong, but she was trying her very best.
My counselor asked me what I felt now. I had no idea. It was all still a jumble, but I could see all the pieces of the puzzle. They just weren't coming together yet. I know now that wasn't love - not the way I tried to love, not the way Brad treated me. I realize now what love does and what love does not. But there was still something I was missing.
I was flabbergasted all the way home. I knew You then. I have always known You. How could I ever think You would expect that of me? And if I did truly believe that was Your definition of love, how could I possibly have loved You? Why would I ever have wanted so desperately to please You?
What was I missing?
On into the afternoon, the question still plagued me. Then, the pieces all started to come together and the answer became clear - my childhood, family, the Catholic Church, marriage - in all of it, I learned in one way or another that I was different, which translated into my head that I was wrong. If I was wrong, that meant that "they" were right, which means what "they" tell me must be right. So, if I want to be right, I should do what "they" tell me. I should be who "they" tell me to be.
The problem is, "they" weren't right.
Childhood - being me made me different, unlikable, unlovable
Family - we never talked. My mom and sister were strong, outspoken. I was not like them. We never talked. I learned that I'm not a normal woman, not strong or desirable.
Church - priesthood, abortion, annulment - we've discussed those issues ad nauseum - unspoken lessons that I was less-than because of my gender or by simply being alive.
Marriage - to be a good, Godly wife and prove my love to my husband, I needed to submit to him, no matter what
No wonder I never wanted to date or get remarried after divorce. It wasn't about Brad - it was about marriage - what I thought Christian marriage was - no different, actually, more of a prison than secular marriage.
Now, I see I was wrong. But, what I still didn't understand was why, out of all those things, I never had to work through my issues with You?
I wrote a book to help me get over the childhood stuff. It took me years to get over the jealousy I had of my sister. It took talking candidly to a receptive and understanding Priest to help me get over the injustice I felt at the hand of the Catholic Church. It's taken me all this time, and I'm still working, on getting over the marriage. Why did I never hold You responsible? Why was I never angry with You?
Because I never blamed You. I blamed myself. In that instant, You gave me the greatest gift. You told me that there is nothing wrong with me - and there never was. You made my heart smile with those words.
I felt that piece of stone fall from my heart. I have always told myself that there was nothing wrong with me just because I'm different, but my heart never believed it - the proof is in the choices I made. The only clear choice I have ever made is pertaining to You - I fought the injustices in the Church - not for my sake, but because I knew they were wrong about You - but I never fought the same way for myself because I believed they were right about me.
But they aren't - they weren't . There is nothing wrong with me - and there never was! :) What a wonderful and beautiful gift You have given me. Thank You!!! I love You. Thank You for loving me more!
