I am in love with this youngish misfit. He came into my life quite unexpectedly and he truly is a hot mess - both in physical appearance and life circumstance. But I know he is an answer to prayer - a surprise - not the way I expected my prayer to be answered. In the words of Buddy the Elf, "I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!"
The past few weeks, I have grown increasingly fatigued and had no idea why. I sleep plenty, maybe too much. Is that the problem? Is my sleep indicative of a deeper psychological issue? Is it my diet? I am eating well and losing weight, but I still lack the nutrients from fruits and vegetables which I know my body needs. Is it my medication? Between the thyroid pills and antianxiety pills, I could be suffering from chemical lethargy. Is it the job? I love, love, love what I do at the hospital, but it is exhausting - the constant movement and interaction with people is energy consuming for this introvert. What is going on? Why am I so dang tired all the time? What's the resolution?
As I lay on the floor in dark silence, my go-to breathing prayer failing me, I plead with God, "Why? Why am I so freaking tired?" That is all I wanted to know. Why? No answer came.
On my way home from work that same day, I cried out to God again. "I feel like I'm always on, even when I'm taking a day off, even when I have nothing to do." Sigh. How do I go about turning myself off? Getting rid of this constant tension in my neck and shoulders?
I feel the pressure of our church BELLS challenge. How do I live a questionable life? The things which relax me the most, the things I've always seen as my outlet, escape, AND ministry are my words - reading, writing. However, these activities do not challenge me to be in relationship with people. I feel like I am trying too hard, and at the same time, not trying hard enough. What is the solution?
Then, I met Johnny and it all began to make sense. My heart felt lighter. I woke up this morning feeling more refreshed than I have in quite a while. I felt happy - a renewed sense of purpose, drive, and motivation.
Today is April 1st - let me clarify that this is no April Fool's joke. However, Johnny is not real, at least, not in the flesh and blood - I can experience him with all my senses real. He is a figment of my imagination, but fully alive in my dreams.
A missing piece of me, which has been dormant since Teddy's death, was brought back to life last night. I was beginning to think that I didn't have another story in me. Maybe this gift of fictional storytelling began with Andrea and Jessica and ended with Teddy and Abbey. I still have Aaron and Ellen, but that story is still too raw, too real, and neither one of them have spoken to me in over a year. Even when they did speak, their story still seemed forced. I think it is still too raw for them as well.
When I woke up from my dream about Johnny, I knew it wasn't a typical dream. Sometimes, I dream what is on my conscious or subconscious mind. This dream was different. Sometimes, God speaks directly to me in dreams. This dream was not like that. It was real. It was alive. It is active even now that I am not dreaming.
This is how my first two novels were born - as a larger than life, more real than real dreams. The main characters came to me in dreams and give me the basic outline. I get the fun job of fleshing out their stories with them. They even tell me their names. I tried to change Johnny's name. I mean, that's a little too on the nose - looks just like a young JBJ and has his name??? I tried on several names, including JBJ's real middle name. He didn't like it. He said his name is Johnny and that's that.
Now, I do not have, nor have I ever had, a mental delusional disorder. I know perfectly well that these characters are not real. They are merely a figment of my imagination - a part of my creative process. I treat them like they are real while I am writing their story and, I must admit, I mourn their loss when the story is finished - but I digress . . .
After the birth of my characters, they become a part of me, living inside of me, speaking to me until their story is complete and immortalized on paper. I never expected to meet anyone else. I surely never expected to fall in love again, but I did last night. Johnny is a mess - a broken, lonely mess, but I am head over heels in love with the man and I cannot wait to get to know him better.
What is most exciting is that as tragic as his beginning is, I already know how his story will end.
So, how does Johnny answer prayer? Simple. God reawakened a real piece of who I am - what makes me different - questionable. I was making the BELLS challenge too difficult. He wants nothing more than for me to use my gifts - whether at church, work, or sitting in solitude on my computer. He has not called me to be something I'm not. He simply wants me to be authentic in who He created me to be - wherever I am and whatever I am doing.
Before the dream, the Steven Curtis Chapman song, Do Everything, has been stuck in my head:
"While I may not know you,
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?
Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do
To the glory of the One who made you,
'Cause He made you,
To do
Every little thing that you do
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do."
That's the point - that's what matters. Thank you, Jesus, for Johnny, and what he means to and for me.
