But first, I want to take a step backwards. God works that way - as a line from Danny Gokey's new song, Haven't Seen It Yet, says, "[God] had the answer before [I] had the problem.” He knew this moment was coming and He began preparing me beforehand.
I start most of my shifts at the hospital with 5-15 minutes of solitude - centering myself and focusing on God, inviting Him into the shift, to walk before me into each room, to walk with me where He wants me, and to live in me to guide my actions and my words.
On this particular day, I was having difficulty centering myself. I lay on the floor in the dark and began again and again with my breathing prayer - breathing in the Holy Spirit and exhaling all the junk on my mind - until I was focused on Him. I asked the Holy Spirit to speak to me, to tell me what I needed to hear. He spoke, and although I heard, I did not understand.
He told me I am very much in tune with my head, but not my heart. What, exactly, does that mean?
I, like the thinker I am, over analyzed this revelation. Okay, I do know exactly what I think, but struggle with my emotions. Sometimes I'm unsure if what I feel is really what I feel or what my head is telling my heart to think. But I've come so far. I mean, I can cry now! I can hug now! I can share my story and be fully present with people now! Doesn't that count for something? I no longer shy away from emotionally hard situations.
Yet, the fact remains that when it comes to people or situations with the power to hurt me, my head still overrides my heart. This is when the waters get murky and I know I am not as familiar with my heart as I am with my head. Still, I recognize this, right? So what am I not getting? How do I change this? How do I become as acquainted with my heart as I am with my head?
I could have analyzed this to death, but I realized that doing so is wasted energy. If I ask, God will show me. So, I gave this quandary back to Him and forgot about it for a while - until this morning.
Shortly after arriving at work this morning, I received a vague page to go to one of the floors. I was told the patient has kidney failure and the names of the patient's nurses. Did they want me to see the patient? Did the patient die? Did the nurses need the chaplain?
I found out what I could about the patient on the network then went to talk to the nurses. The nurses informed me that the patient just found out that the condition was terminal and was waiting for the doctor to come talk about hospice care options. I asked why the patient did not qualify for a transplant. I was told it was because a patient must be sober for at least six months to qualify.
Armed with all the initial information I needed, I made my visit. However, the patient did not want to talk with me. After our brief visit, I relayed what I could to the nurses, and returned to the office to prepare for the day.
As I thought about the yellow tint of the patient's skin, I saw Brad sitting in that hospital room, wearing that hospital gown, face and eyes turned yellow, knowing he was going to die and why. I felt a panic attack coming on.
For the first time ever, I managed to stop the attack before it took full force. I immediately set my self-care plan into motion by texting my church leadership team for prayer. I then made an appointment to see my hospital mentor to talk through what I experienced. I also prayed for myself and prayed for Brad.
As I prayed, I realized what I had texted the leadership - how, although I am not in love with him, I still care about Brad and feel somewhat responsible for him. I know full well that I am not responsible for him - not now after eight years divorced - not even when we were married. Still, that feeling lingers.
My head fully and completely realizes that I am not responsible for Brad. Should he ever find himself in this scenario - should he give into his addiction rather than doing what is necessary to save his own life - that is not on me.
My head gets it. My head believes it. My heart, on the other hand, still feels the weight of responsibility for the vows I made to him.
Now I know what one of my hospital visit triggers is, but I have no idea what to do with this information. I hope this is where my class and my mentor can help.
In the meantime, I know I need to sit with this for a while instead of sweeping it under the rug. I will trust that God will continue revealing things to me, bit by bit, layer by layer.
It's like the song says, "It's like the brightest sunrise waiting on the other side of the darkest night . . . [I] just haven't seen it yet." Danny Gokey - Haven't Seen It Yet
Hello, Renee, it's your heart here. Thank you for taking me out of the box, but just like your Russian nesting doll, there's more of me hidden inside. Keep opening me up!
